I'm going green.
With the outrageous prices of gas these days, I'm taking a page out of the Polygamist Bible & creating my own indoor wheat & pumpkin patch. Apparently with only the help of tap water, dirt, and a pot--a college kid like me could start the next big "fad".
Wheat being the essential product for "br-ead", will be a must for all my late night sandwiches & last nights Little People Big World re-run made me realize the long term monatary value of pumpkins & "pumpkin flingers(?)". What a way to go!
So I was sitting in the library today--as if I had nothing else to do for an hour--and got the opportunity to listen to another guy talk about his BM-incapabilities.
And I quote, "I'm shooting blanks. It had to have been the most unfulfilling shit I've ever taken...I sat there farting for like 15 min. until a poop about this big came out."
WHOA...grossidon'twannalisten...anyway, back to my indoor farm. Hopefully the USC network will give me some air-time in order to spread the gospel of green. If not then just recall that I'll be the girl by the BA selling pumpkins from my Rider Wagon next Halloween.
What I've learned today in Life, Love, and Politics:
Life: Buy stock in alcohol...When the market crashes, its the first thing people are going to go for.
Love: Talking shit, literally, is not sexy.
Politics: If Hillary puts an end to the new Facebook "chatting" application...I'll sign my name in blood -right-now-
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
We're not in Kansas anymore
I spent the past 8 hours in a car...
My friend "Adriana" and I are on our way to Pittsburgh, home of the Pirates, Penguins, and Steelers---whatever they are, and have made a pit-stop in West Virginia. The trip has been memorable so far because of these things:
$3.45 a gallon gas prices
Oh wait, that's it.
Somewhere between a bag of goldfish, a pound of grapes, 2 diet cokes, and doritos, though, we did come across road signs saying "Bland, VA", "Adult Novelties", and "North:2 miles". I felt most compelled to turn around when we passed the "Biscuit World" signs--but apparently its just a typical northern thing.
Before I forget, I'd also like to mention the one MAJOR difference I've seen on this "expedition" to Pitt-town...the education system. In South Carolina we frequently see the bright yellow deer crossing signs; however...and let me say once again, "HOWEVER"....in the North these signs are not only erected, but come with instructions which the deer are taught to follow:
Deer Crossing--next 2 miles.
Amazing! Deers that can read!
Might I add that those deer that cross out of zone are ticketed for jay-herding and are most often sentenced to death by tractor trailer (w/o trial). Pity.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Do not expect answers in a room full of philosophy majors.
Love: Wait or date?
Politics: Even though the "bl**ks" have racially created Cracker Barrel; it would be a sin against our fellow man to create a Negro Bucket.
--all done in good humor
My friend "Adriana" and I are on our way to Pittsburgh, home of the Pirates, Penguins, and Steelers---whatever they are, and have made a pit-stop in West Virginia. The trip has been memorable so far because of these things:
$3.45 a gallon gas prices
Oh wait, that's it.
Somewhere between a bag of goldfish, a pound of grapes, 2 diet cokes, and doritos, though, we did come across road signs saying "Bland, VA", "Adult Novelties", and "North:2 miles". I felt most compelled to turn around when we passed the "Biscuit World" signs--but apparently its just a typical northern thing.
Before I forget, I'd also like to mention the one MAJOR difference I've seen on this "expedition" to Pitt-town...the education system. In South Carolina we frequently see the bright yellow deer crossing signs; however...and let me say once again, "HOWEVER"....in the North these signs are not only erected, but come with instructions which the deer are taught to follow:
Deer Crossing--next 2 miles.
Amazing! Deers that can read!
Might I add that those deer that cross out of zone are ticketed for jay-herding and are most often sentenced to death by tractor trailer (w/o trial). Pity.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Do not expect answers in a room full of philosophy majors.
Love: Wait or date?
Politics: Even though the "bl**ks" have racially created Cracker Barrel; it would be a sin against our fellow man to create a Negro Bucket.
--all done in good humor
Sunday, April 6, 2008
As in, "you's my boo."
How to be a polygamist:
1. Do not be a frequent sleeper.
2. Join an obscure religious sect.
3. Name your children Mariam, Josephias, and Gary.
4. Move to Eldorado, TX.
5. Eat peaches from a can.
6. Wear floral dresses
7. Wear suspenders
8. Marry your cousin
9. Marry your other cousin
10. Use bowl when cutting hair
11. Never shave under arms
12. Pick up all hitch-hikers
13. Praise Mormonism
14. Ask everyone you meet if they're married.
15. Ask everyone you meet if they want to be married.
16. Never work 3rd shift.
17. Snort birth control
18. Sing David Bowie songs
19. Sneeze out birth control
20. Have the general appearance of a serial killer.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Never let just any one hit on you...they may be a Mormon.
Love: True love can be bought in Vegas. Elvis Presley presiding.
Politics: Weed is illegal...idiots
1. Do not be a frequent sleeper.
2. Join an obscure religious sect.
3. Name your children Mariam, Josephias, and Gary.
4. Move to Eldorado, TX.
5. Eat peaches from a can.
6. Wear floral dresses
7. Wear suspenders
8. Marry your cousin
9. Marry your other cousin
10. Use bowl when cutting hair
11. Never shave under arms
12. Pick up all hitch-hikers
13. Praise Mormonism
14. Ask everyone you meet if they're married.
15. Ask everyone you meet if they want to be married.
16. Never work 3rd shift.
17. Snort birth control
18. Sing David Bowie songs
19. Sneeze out birth control
20. Have the general appearance of a serial killer.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Never let just any one hit on you...they may be a Mormon.
Love: True love can be bought in Vegas. Elvis Presley presiding.
Politics: Weed is illegal...idiots
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Oldest Joke in the Book
I'm really getting tweaked.
On top of the usual "Jerry Spring: Room Mate Shit" that usually plagues my existence, I've been stuck in a rut trying to explain to the world that I am no longer a god worshipper.
Unfortunately for us atheists, the general public in South Carolina believes that potluck dinners after church go hand in hand with sinlessness, and that Jesus was a Christian. Therefore the only way to be "accepted" is to fill a pew once a week and say the lord's prayer as monotonously as possible.
HOWEVER, in the great scheme of things, Arkansas passed a law today that infants can't be married--it seems god finally understands that babies are not able to say their own vows and has chosen to not sanctify the unions; But think about it, with half of modern marriages ending in divorce--adults may as well being saying "ga, ga, do."--lets let the todds. do what they want, god.
Anyway, South Carolina. So I've been recieving invites from several people/applications on facebook wanting me to join Bible groups, Jesus Camp military training, the NAACP, Methodist church retreats, but fyi I just want to be left alone.
My great-grandmother made it perfectly clear that she thought my tuition was not being well spent at a university that was teaching me heresy.
"Have you told your grandfather you're an atheist?"....
No, but I'm sure you will.
People seem to strive for everlasting life, but they get bored on rainy afternoons. How ironic.
On top of the usual "Jerry Spring: Room Mate Shit" that usually plagues my existence, I've been stuck in a rut trying to explain to the world that I am no longer a god worshipper.
Unfortunately for us atheists, the general public in South Carolina believes that potluck dinners after church go hand in hand with sinlessness, and that Jesus was a Christian. Therefore the only way to be "accepted" is to fill a pew once a week and say the lord's prayer as monotonously as possible.
HOWEVER, in the great scheme of things, Arkansas passed a law today that infants can't be married--it seems god finally understands that babies are not able to say their own vows and has chosen to not sanctify the unions; But think about it, with half of modern marriages ending in divorce--adults may as well being saying "ga, ga, do."--lets let the todds. do what they want, god.
Anyway, South Carolina. So I've been recieving invites from several people/applications on facebook wanting me to join Bible groups, Jesus Camp military training, the NAACP, Methodist church retreats, but fyi I just want to be left alone.
My great-grandmother made it perfectly clear that she thought my tuition was not being well spent at a university that was teaching me heresy.
"Have you told your grandfather you're an atheist?"....
No, but I'm sure you will.
People seem to strive for everlasting life, but they get bored on rainy afternoons. How ironic.
Do you think it won't be just as boring in heaven? My life hasn't been as bad as to appreciate an eternity long harp solo or opaque choir robes. Those that wish for that type of lifestyle obviously have never been to Tabu Nightlife, an orgy, or a Sumter fish fry. Pity.
Whatever, I'm done with it. Those of the religious sect. can keep wishing for the impossible while the rest of us make the best of the impossible we already have. What I've learned today in life, love, and politics.
Life: "Two wrongs don't make a right, but it sure makes things even" sista souljah.
Love: Who am I kidding.
Politics: If it costs over a penny to make a penny...why don't we put GW Bush's face on it to stop the circulation?
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