My hate/hate relationships
My laptop has been hinting that it hates me this week. On top of taunting me every night (via facebook and uglypeople.com), reminding me of my boring life (via facebook and saks.com), and depressing me with unreliable friends (via facebook and AIM), my computer decides that my charger MUST BREAK. $112 dollars down the drain at Staples, and a block of chocolate to make it all better...
Me=0 ; Computer=1
Thursday I came home to find my disgusting apartment cleaned by the "not-hired-help"---my room mate Ty. Of course I always feel awful when she cleans the house, b/c she's never here to make a mess...but she's pretty obnoxious when it comes to handling her anger. Instead of yelling at me (like she did my other roomie), she shows me her dildo.
Yes. Her big, red, big, long, big dildo.
Grrrosss.
I mean, had the dildo been in a store it wouldn't have been that big of a deal to see. But this is a used big red dildo!! I don't want to see that shit.
Me=0; Ty=1
I with the rest of the universe have forgotten about the global warming theory and are battling the issue of Pollen Pollution. Currently prayers of forgiveness have been futile with high numbers of nasal casualties reported world-wide.
"I'm sorry God for not believing in You; please spare me the sinus pain & turn the pollen off."
Me=0; God=1
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: You will get stepped on throughout life. Hope that your physique is sharp enough to stab feet.
Love: I love late birthday/christmas presents ((:
Politics: Freedumb. Keeping the middle-class in line since FOREVER.
--all done in good humor
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Beats Me...
If I did stand-up, I'd probably eat marshmallows.
Me:
Hello sexies...and welcome to the morning announcements.
Today we'll be skipping the pledge of allegiance to focus on more trendy topics:
Whats that SAND in your HAND taste like?
Who wet their pants & how do we know?
"Special Dessert Casserole Surprise"
and finally,
Baby Bump---or Bumpy Baby? (latest 3rd grade "the now" gossip).
Marshmallow Break.
Welcome.
Welcome, Americans to my very first stand up/sit down blog post.
If all goes well we'll be out of here in the next five minutes--if you can't read then I guess you'll be here indefinitely.
But don't worry--you can't read--and that's okay.
Shake your head if you can understand me.
All those that shook their head, please continue on.
Those that didn't---you can't read, and my taxes are probably paying for your Hawaiian Punch fruit cocktail.
Marshmallow Break.
I was talking to a man the other day about Homeland Security and felt a little beside myself... There was nothing there so I put my hand back in my lap. The guy kept muttering about George Bush and the Grand Canyon, but all I could focus on was his mustache and AK 47. I asked him who he thought was going to win next falls "Fabbies Style Blogger Award show". Lucky for me, I got out of Pakistan alive.
Its pretty distressing that not all comedians write their material. I don't understand why the person writing the scripts can't be the one on the actual show. Perhaps their not that marketable? Maybe they've suffered the occasional "fat-attack"? But Oprah weighs over 250 lbs., has a black woman mustache, AND has a black woman mustache; I think in lieu of obesity, enriched wheat flour, and 7blade septuple-ACTION razors, we should give the writers a chance.
Marshmallow break.
Every once in a while an opportunity comes around that could give hungry people in Africa some food. Most of the time I just change the channel. Like I said, I'm already paying taxes to feed half the population in S.C...I can't afford to pick up their African cousins as well.
Marshmallow break.
Chris Farley is one of my all time fav. comedians. I was thinking, like two minutes ago, that his ass-crack was one of his best assets...gross and sometimes scary to think of...but funny. This made me think, though, if I was a true comedian would it be funny to viewers if I showed a little crack? Seems disturbing.
Marshmallow break.
Well I believe five minutes has been up.
I hope all these tiddies have been well worth my Saturday morning. If not, then I'll remember that stand up/sit down blogs are not my thing & continue making fun of random people instead.
Good morning viewers and happy trails.
Marshmallow Break
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: I just woke up...haven't learned much yet.
Love: Is like high-fives. For a bit, they're okay...but after awhile your hand hurts and eventually falls off--kind of like penises.
Politics: I go to USC---home of STEVEN ORR SPURRIER. Football & Politics escape me.
--all done in good humor
Me:
Hello sexies...and welcome to the morning announcements.
Today we'll be skipping the pledge of allegiance to focus on more trendy topics:
Whats that SAND in your HAND taste like?
Who wet their pants & how do we know?
"Special Dessert Casserole Surprise"
and finally,
Baby Bump---or Bumpy Baby? (latest 3rd grade "the now" gossip).
Marshmallow Break.
Welcome.
Welcome, Americans to my very first stand up/sit down blog post.
If all goes well we'll be out of here in the next five minutes--if you can't read then I guess you'll be here indefinitely.
But don't worry--you can't read--and that's okay.
Shake your head if you can understand me.
All those that shook their head, please continue on.
Those that didn't---you can't read, and my taxes are probably paying for your Hawaiian Punch fruit cocktail.
Marshmallow Break.
I was talking to a man the other day about Homeland Security and felt a little beside myself... There was nothing there so I put my hand back in my lap. The guy kept muttering about George Bush and the Grand Canyon, but all I could focus on was his mustache and AK 47. I asked him who he thought was going to win next falls "Fabbies Style Blogger Award show". Lucky for me, I got out of Pakistan alive.
Its pretty distressing that not all comedians write their material. I don't understand why the person writing the scripts can't be the one on the actual show. Perhaps their not that marketable? Maybe they've suffered the occasional "fat-attack"? But Oprah weighs over 250 lbs., has a black woman mustache, AND has a black woman mustache; I think in lieu of obesity, enriched wheat flour, and 7blade septuple-ACTION razors, we should give the writers a chance.
Marshmallow break.
Every once in a while an opportunity comes around that could give hungry people in Africa some food. Most of the time I just change the channel. Like I said, I'm already paying taxes to feed half the population in S.C...I can't afford to pick up their African cousins as well.
Marshmallow break.
Chris Farley is one of my all time fav. comedians. I was thinking, like two minutes ago, that his ass-crack was one of his best assets...gross and sometimes scary to think of...but funny. This made me think, though, if I was a true comedian would it be funny to viewers if I showed a little crack? Seems disturbing.
Marshmallow break.
Well I believe five minutes has been up.
I hope all these tiddies have been well worth my Saturday morning. If not, then I'll remember that stand up/sit down blogs are not my thing & continue making fun of random people instead.
Good morning viewers and happy trails.
Marshmallow Break
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: I just woke up...haven't learned much yet.
Love: Is like high-fives. For a bit, they're okay...but after awhile your hand hurts and eventually falls off--kind of like penises.
Politics: I go to USC---home of STEVEN ORR SPURRIER. Football & Politics escape me.
--all done in good humor
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Das' Wack...
White Crackers of the World Unite...
Flipping through channels today, I happened upon CMT--the Cuntry Moosic 'Tarded channel.
To compete amongst the reality shows of BET, VH1, & Bravo, CMT has created a living legend "Redneck Weddings". Not only does the show reveal the ancient arts of cow tipping and mud wresslin' in wedding garb., but it brings back fond memories of my childhood in South Carolina.
How many times have I heard "the only way to go down is a ho-down"? And how many times did mamma say, "you gotta constipate marriages, otherwise they's analed"?
The show is REVOLUTIONARY.
It has got to be the only show that really speaks to me (apart from Maury), and I must say what a blessing.
BTW, courtesy of News 19, Jesus has been spotted in South Carolina --obviously he's a fan of "Redneck Weddings" and wanted to be included next episode. No, but for serious, Jesus was spotted in the wood grain of a woman's bedroom door this week; local pastors say that the image is genuine and a sign from god. Those that have actually READ the bible realize that no one knows what Jesus looks like---for all we know this may be the face of Frederick Douglass coming back to haunt dumb white people.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: I would from here on out like to be referred to as a white "biscuit".
Love: I took a road less traveled and ended up with more money and a vibrator.
Politics: Political scandals get so much air time---whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan?
--all done in good humor
Flipping through channels today, I happened upon CMT--the Cuntry Moosic 'Tarded channel.
To compete amongst the reality shows of BET, VH1, & Bravo, CMT has created a living legend "Redneck Weddings". Not only does the show reveal the ancient arts of cow tipping and mud wresslin' in wedding garb., but it brings back fond memories of my childhood in South Carolina.
How many times have I heard "the only way to go down is a ho-down"? And how many times did mamma say, "you gotta constipate marriages, otherwise they's analed"?
The show is REVOLUTIONARY.
It has got to be the only show that really speaks to me (apart from Maury), and I must say what a blessing.
BTW, courtesy of News 19, Jesus has been spotted in South Carolina --obviously he's a fan of "Redneck Weddings" and wanted to be included next episode. No, but for serious, Jesus was spotted in the wood grain of a woman's bedroom door this week; local pastors say that the image is genuine and a sign from god. Those that have actually READ the bible realize that no one knows what Jesus looks like---for all we know this may be the face of Frederick Douglass coming back to haunt dumb white people.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: I would from here on out like to be referred to as a white "biscuit".
Love: I took a road less traveled and ended up with more money and a vibrator.
Politics: Political scandals get so much air time---whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan?
--all done in good humor
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
WWJD
Anal or Oral?
I was with a friend the other night and we ended up talking about the a's and o's of sex.
Though I can hardly be called on for sexual advice, I do have more experience than this particular friend---we got to talking.
If someone who is not a virgin doesn't feel comfortable with the "sexy?" parts of sex, then how does a virgin stand a chance?
HBO's REAL SEX doesn't offer anal/oral lessons for girls...
Talk Sex with Sue advocates lubricant...that's scary...
'Spencer's' turns everything into a joke...
Its as if the world has closed its eyes and mouths on the subject of "preparing virgins" for the dirty work ahead. People, this is a subject that needs some of the MOST guidance--not only for girls but for guys as well.
What do you do if someone asks to "give you anal?"
Or you go from a perfectly acceptable making out stance to...semi 69?
Is NO NO NO HELL NO an acceptable answer?
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Which Would Jesus Do?
Love: Just get me drunk first I guess.
Politics: Birds of a feather, flock together.
--all done in good humor
I was with a friend the other night and we ended up talking about the a's and o's of sex.
Though I can hardly be called on for sexual advice, I do have more experience than this particular friend---we got to talking.
If someone who is not a virgin doesn't feel comfortable with the "sexy?" parts of sex, then how does a virgin stand a chance?
HBO's REAL SEX doesn't offer anal/oral lessons for girls...
Talk Sex with Sue advocates lubricant...that's scary...
'Spencer's' turns everything into a joke...
Its as if the world has closed its eyes and mouths on the subject of "preparing virgins" for the dirty work ahead. People, this is a subject that needs some of the MOST guidance--not only for girls but for guys as well.
What do you do if someone asks to "give you anal?"
Or you go from a perfectly acceptable making out stance to...semi 69?
Is NO NO NO HELL NO an acceptable answer?
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Which Would Jesus Do?
Love: Just get me drunk first I guess.
Politics: Birds of a feather, flock together.
--all done in good humor
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
"The Talk", kids.
Big Feet=Big Dick.
I'm sick of all these reality shows that make a mockery out of true love. True love is the only way to survive this world of sexy lingerie models --contrary to popular belief--love is "true" only when it includes sweat stained t-shirts, skid marks, and beer cans.
Sexy lingerie models and the ugly people on reality love shows do not wear t-shirts under their bras; they do not get skid marks from their fancy Charmin Ultra; and they definitely can afford beer in a glass bottle!!
It is true love blasphemy.
Those that can't date, do. And those that can't learn, get tv gigs.
WTF...kissing and sex should be saved for marriage!!
If people want to make up reality shows then why not go ahead and tell it like it is, bitch?!
"Flavor of Flava's Grill."
"Domenico Give me aMORE'."
"I <3 money not New York's Monkey Face."
Our children are growing up in a godless age of television and I must say that rap music is behind it all. I can only hope that kids learn from their parents' wrong ways and keep their radios tuned to the AM gospel channels.
With the revival of "O Little Town of Bethlehem" and "Near the Cross", perhaps the next generation will find pleasure in truth instead of lies.
Big Feet=Big Dicks...
Big Feet do not equal big socks.
Vietnam sweat shops=big socks.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Do NOT microwave plastic plates. End result is a melted asshole smell.
Love: Looks so much better dressed in Mr. Benjamins.
Politics: Anyone can make it big.
Rev. Al Sharpton and Ben Stiller--case closed.
--all done in good humor
I'm sick of all these reality shows that make a mockery out of true love. True love is the only way to survive this world of sexy lingerie models --contrary to popular belief--love is "true" only when it includes sweat stained t-shirts, skid marks, and beer cans.
Sexy lingerie models and the ugly people on reality love shows do not wear t-shirts under their bras; they do not get skid marks from their fancy Charmin Ultra; and they definitely can afford beer in a glass bottle!!
It is true love blasphemy.
Those that can't date, do. And those that can't learn, get tv gigs.
WTF...kissing and sex should be saved for marriage!!
If people want to make up reality shows then why not go ahead and tell it like it is, bitch?!
"Flavor of Flava's Grill."
"Domenico Give me aMORE'."
"I <3 money not New York's Monkey Face."
Our children are growing up in a godless age of television and I must say that rap music is behind it all. I can only hope that kids learn from their parents' wrong ways and keep their radios tuned to the AM gospel channels.
With the revival of "O Little Town of Bethlehem" and "Near the Cross", perhaps the next generation will find pleasure in truth instead of lies.
Big Feet=Big Dicks...
Big Feet do not equal big socks.
Vietnam sweat shops=big socks.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Do NOT microwave plastic plates. End result is a melted asshole smell.
Love: Looks so much better dressed in Mr. Benjamins.
Politics: Anyone can make it big.
Rev. Al Sharpton and Ben Stiller--case closed.
--all done in good humor
Monday, March 10, 2008
RULE NUMBER 1
Tomorrow I am meeting with the Sumter Rotary Club to begin the preliminary process of a scholarship competition. Seeing as how I'm only going up against people in Sumter county, I believe that I have a "pretty" good shot of winning my research funding.
I never really write anything worth reading in here, so I figured that tonight I would post on something a bit different and something that affects my day-to-day. Autism.
As a therapist for children with autism, I am everyday reminded of the struggles that both parent, child, and friend endure when faced with such a life-altering disorder.
Over the past ten years, autism rates have spiked to a record 1 per 150 persons, and though the scope/range of autism has increased, the number is still very disturbing. Autism has no cure so it is imperative that those who can get therapy recieve it at the earliest age possible; early intervention has shown the most promising results for mainstreaming.
However, most countries do not have the means to provide autism patients with good therapy. Many countries do not even have the means to diagnose those who may have developmental disorders!!
As a Rotary Scholar, my year of study would be to learn the logistics of a third-world country in the hopes that later, as a graduate student, the ratio of children with developmental behavior disorders in that same third-world country could be researched.
In any case, tomorrow is a big day for this future endeavor...hopefully all goes well (:
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Doughnuts are really not that hard to make.
Love: Does not grow on trees.
Politics: RULE NUMBER 1
If Hillary Clinton asks for change, you give her dollars.
If Obama asks for change, you make up poor black-man jokes.
If Ron Paul asks for change, you say "no habla englais".
I never really write anything worth reading in here, so I figured that tonight I would post on something a bit different and something that affects my day-to-day. Autism.
As a therapist for children with autism, I am everyday reminded of the struggles that both parent, child, and friend endure when faced with such a life-altering disorder.
Over the past ten years, autism rates have spiked to a record 1 per 150 persons, and though the scope/range of autism has increased, the number is still very disturbing. Autism has no cure so it is imperative that those who can get therapy recieve it at the earliest age possible; early intervention has shown the most promising results for mainstreaming.
However, most countries do not have the means to provide autism patients with good therapy. Many countries do not even have the means to diagnose those who may have developmental disorders!!
As a Rotary Scholar, my year of study would be to learn the logistics of a third-world country in the hopes that later, as a graduate student, the ratio of children with developmental behavior disorders in that same third-world country could be researched.
In any case, tomorrow is a big day for this future endeavor...hopefully all goes well (:
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Doughnuts are really not that hard to make.
Love: Does not grow on trees.
Politics: RULE NUMBER 1
If Hillary Clinton asks for change, you give her dollars.
If Obama asks for change, you make up poor black-man jokes.
If Ron Paul asks for change, you say "no habla englais".
Thursday, March 6, 2008
That's fierce...
While sitting in psychology 101 today, I was attentively disregarding my professor and trying my hand at the Gamecock Crossword Puzzle...
The editor of the crossword puzzle gets my applause; his code word "quip" and the "second/third" parts of it have stumped me all year long. If someone could let me in on the secrets of "quipping" please email me...will pay for answer.
Yesterday was the finale of Project Runway; coincidentally USC decided that the girls on campus were better looking than Heidi Klum (haha) and came up with its own version of the show---Project Condom. Our university has outdone itself again... attracting students to abstinence by handing out free contraceptives and soda...
That's fierce.
But the event, actually--from what I heard, went well and was a revolutionary way to show people that there are more ways to use condoms than one.
You can have Saturday-condom-craft night; you can make condom-book-marks in Sunday School for your bibles; you can even make blow-up-condom giraffes for the kids on the playground!!
And with all the different sizes, colors...amounts of lubricant...the possibilities are endless!!
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Those with dandruff should always wear white shirts.
Love: Whoever draws the hearts for Hallmark is obviously a Catholic. Not only does the Hallmark heart not have ventricles, but the ball sack <3 is drawn upside down. Only a nun could have gotten it wrong!
Politics: Obama's grandmother is very upset that people are suggesting he is a Muslim. "My people may have had to sit at the back of the bus, but it was them Muslims that were driving us around."
--all done in good humor
The editor of the crossword puzzle gets my applause; his code word "quip" and the "second/third" parts of it have stumped me all year long. If someone could let me in on the secrets of "quipping" please email me...will pay for answer.
Yesterday was the finale of Project Runway; coincidentally USC decided that the girls on campus were better looking than Heidi Klum (haha) and came up with its own version of the show---Project Condom. Our university has outdone itself again... attracting students to abstinence by handing out free contraceptives and soda...
That's fierce.
But the event, actually--from what I heard, went well and was a revolutionary way to show people that there are more ways to use condoms than one.
You can have Saturday-condom-craft night; you can make condom-book-marks in Sunday School for your bibles; you can even make blow-up-condom giraffes for the kids on the playground!!
And with all the different sizes, colors...amounts of lubricant...the possibilities are endless!!
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Those with dandruff should always wear white shirts.
Love: Whoever draws the hearts for Hallmark is obviously a Catholic. Not only does the Hallmark heart not have ventricles, but the ball sack <3 is drawn upside down. Only a nun could have gotten it wrong!
Politics: Obama's grandmother is very upset that people are suggesting he is a Muslim. "My people may have had to sit at the back of the bus, but it was them Muslims that were driving us around."
--all done in good humor
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
$20 Richer poor Girl
So I found out today that I have 18 first cousins that I didn't know existed.
Southern stereotype or what?
I would like to steer away from crude remarks today inorder to introduce myself to you--seeing as how, statistically, we're probably related.
Born: K. Blkdsjfdsos (Its a very hard name to spell--this is the abbr.)
Reside: Riverside Estates
Birth: Bastard
Birth Location: Hospital
Nationality: Dixie, United States
Parents: Mom and step-dad
Real Dad: MIA
Siblings: Yep.
# of blood-first Cousins: 25
# of step-first cousins: 4
Total cousins: 29
How did I find out about my additional 18 kin?
Apparently, my grandmother on my biological father's side has "alzheimers" and sent my biological sister's birthday card to my residence.
Got all that?
Apart from writing "K. Blkdsjfdsos" on the birthday check, she wrote my "bastard" name on the birthday card; added a personal message to the card about how proud she is of me; addressed the envelope to "Riverside Estates--Dixie, United States"; and then got "Cousin #9" to lick the stamp...
How did she not realize what she was doing was WRONG!?
She just caught the alzheimers--I dun herd--has it already spread to her memories of illegitimate grandkids?
I mean...we've seen each other like...14 times!!
How could she forget this shit!?!
Now my biological sister will probably have a melt down about how our grandmother, on our biological dad's side, doesn't care about her and forgot to send her a birthday present.
I'll probably end up having to give some "grandmom never sends anything good anyway" speech --while the birthday check meant for her is now residing in my bank account.
Ugh, c'est la vie.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Inbreeding doesn't necessarily equal lots of cousins, just lots of shitty presents.
Love: Daddy wasn't there, to change my underwear, to take me to the fair...daddy wasn't there.
Politics: Voters in a Vermont town added a second ballet to last nights primary poll....the city voted for or against the arrest of George Bush and Dick Chaney upon entering the town, on the grounds of constitutional delequencies. The yeah's had it--and in some parallel universe, popular opinion might have mattered.
--all done in good humor
Southern stereotype or what?
I would like to steer away from crude remarks today inorder to introduce myself to you--seeing as how, statistically, we're probably related.
Born: K. Blkdsjfdsos (Its a very hard name to spell--this is the abbr.)
Reside: Riverside Estates
Birth: Bastard
Birth Location: Hospital
Nationality: Dixie, United States
Parents: Mom and step-dad
Real Dad: MIA
Siblings: Yep.
# of blood-first Cousins: 25
# of step-first cousins: 4
Total cousins: 29
How did I find out about my additional 18 kin?
Apparently, my grandmother on my biological father's side has "alzheimers" and sent my biological sister's birthday card to my residence.
Got all that?
Apart from writing "K. Blkdsjfdsos" on the birthday check, she wrote my "bastard" name on the birthday card; added a personal message to the card about how proud she is of me; addressed the envelope to "Riverside Estates--Dixie, United States"; and then got "Cousin #9" to lick the stamp...
How did she not realize what she was doing was WRONG!?
She just caught the alzheimers--I dun herd--has it already spread to her memories of illegitimate grandkids?
I mean...we've seen each other like...14 times!!
How could she forget this shit!?!
Now my biological sister will probably have a melt down about how our grandmother, on our biological dad's side, doesn't care about her and forgot to send her a birthday present.
I'll probably end up having to give some "grandmom never sends anything good anyway" speech --while the birthday check meant for her is now residing in my bank account.
Ugh, c'est la vie.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Inbreeding doesn't necessarily equal lots of cousins, just lots of shitty presents.
Love: Daddy wasn't there, to change my underwear, to take me to the fair...daddy wasn't there.
Politics: Voters in a Vermont town added a second ballet to last nights primary poll....the city voted for or against the arrest of George Bush and Dick Chaney upon entering the town, on the grounds of constitutional delequencies. The yeah's had it--and in some parallel universe, popular opinion might have mattered.
--all done in good humor
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
6" Clitoris = 3 Billion More Years
How obscene.
I don't know why, but the look of a pregnant woman is one of the most repulsive things to me. Maybe its my subconscious hatred towards beach balls? I don't know...but for some reason an oncoming "pregger" is a justification for my chronic bulemia.
Along with most everything, I have my suspicions as to why women become pregnant. My theory:
Men are EVIL.
Our amoeba ancestors began pressurizing other amoeba ancestors into corners and started making them reproduce on command.
3 BILLION years of pressure later, women have been brainwashed into having a uterus while men, oh so care-free, can pee into straws.
If the nice amoebas would have stood up to the EVIL amoebas then perhaps women would now have a 6" long clitoris and spermettes, while men have PMS and a sack of ovaries.
And you say that God is just.
Anyway, so apart from being bullied into evolutionary motherdom, I see no other reason that would validate a woman's choice for a baby bump. I do see, three points, however, that should keep women off the diaper aisle and in supply of dildos...
Point 1: Stretch Marks
Women since the invention of the bikini have been told, DO NOT eat M&Ms b/c they make you fat......
As we all know
M&Ms = cellulite = stretchmarks.
And so if
pregnant = stretchmarks
then
M&Ms = stretchmarks = pregnant
THEREFORE
M&Ms = pregnant.
Summary: Pregnant women will look like M&M women.... BAD BAD BAD
Point 2: Morning Sickness
The morning was meant to be a time for tomato juice and eggs. When pregnant, everyone KNOWS that your breakfast ends up on your shoes while you're running to the bathroom.
To prove this:
Tomato Juice + Eggs + Pregnant = Upchuck.
Upchuck + shoes = smelly shoes
Everyone KNOWS that
smelly shoes = smelly feet.
THEREFORE
pregnant = smelly feet.
Summary: Pregnant women will smell like dirty feet......BAD BAD BAD
Point 3: Maternity Pants
Since the induction of women into the work force, we have been manipulated into wearing the jean of our forefathers. The jean was designed for easy penis access...when women began wearing jeans there was no removal of the frontal zipper, just the addition of a stretch maternity waistband!!
Women have always been prone to hate things that stretch:
thighs, boobs, slinkys...but because of our evolutionary brainwashing we thought nothing of the sexist maternity pant.
Summary: Pregnant women are being ostracized by the men they bear.........Shame SHAme SHAME!!
With these three points in mind I hope that women will be able to break the mold that males have been pushing us into.
Stretch marks, smelly feet, and latex lining are all that can be looked forward to, girls, if we continue down this road. (Those that have already been victimized are asked to , "not let it happen again.")
Let us unite in our efforts for male genital mutilation; if not for pride then for the continued evolution of a 6" clitoris.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: How did we ever get out that little hole; its hard enough for tampons to get in?
Love: Lesbians and Gays are the only true lovers. They were the amoebas that stood on the sidelines having orgasms instead of offspring.
Politics: Is it politically correct to say Hill's a hermaphrodite...or is it slander? I get the two mixed up.
--all done in good humor
I don't know why, but the look of a pregnant woman is one of the most repulsive things to me. Maybe its my subconscious hatred towards beach balls? I don't know...but for some reason an oncoming "pregger" is a justification for my chronic bulemia.
Along with most everything, I have my suspicions as to why women become pregnant. My theory:
Men are EVIL.
Our amoeba ancestors began pressurizing other amoeba ancestors into corners and started making them reproduce on command.
3 BILLION years of pressure later, women have been brainwashed into having a uterus while men, oh so care-free, can pee into straws.
If the nice amoebas would have stood up to the EVIL amoebas then perhaps women would now have a 6" long clitoris and spermettes, while men have PMS and a sack of ovaries.
And you say that God is just.
Anyway, so apart from being bullied into evolutionary motherdom, I see no other reason that would validate a woman's choice for a baby bump. I do see, three points, however, that should keep women off the diaper aisle and in supply of dildos...
Point 1: Stretch Marks
Women since the invention of the bikini have been told, DO NOT eat M&Ms b/c they make you fat......
As we all know
M&Ms = cellulite = stretchmarks.
And so if
pregnant = stretchmarks
then
M&Ms = stretchmarks = pregnant
THEREFORE
M&Ms = pregnant.
Summary: Pregnant women will look like M&M women.... BAD BAD BAD
Point 2: Morning Sickness
The morning was meant to be a time for tomato juice and eggs. When pregnant, everyone KNOWS that your breakfast ends up on your shoes while you're running to the bathroom.
To prove this:
Tomato Juice + Eggs + Pregnant = Upchuck.
Upchuck + shoes = smelly shoes
Everyone KNOWS that
smelly shoes = smelly feet.
THEREFORE
pregnant = smelly feet.
Summary: Pregnant women will smell like dirty feet......BAD BAD BAD
Point 3: Maternity Pants
Since the induction of women into the work force, we have been manipulated into wearing the jean of our forefathers. The jean was designed for easy penis access...when women began wearing jeans there was no removal of the frontal zipper, just the addition of a stretch maternity waistband!!
Women have always been prone to hate things that stretch:
thighs, boobs, slinkys...but because of our evolutionary brainwashing we thought nothing of the sexist maternity pant.
Summary: Pregnant women are being ostracized by the men they bear.........Shame SHAme SHAME!!
With these three points in mind I hope that women will be able to break the mold that males have been pushing us into.
Stretch marks, smelly feet, and latex lining are all that can be looked forward to, girls, if we continue down this road. (Those that have already been victimized are asked to , "not let it happen again.")
Let us unite in our efforts for male genital mutilation; if not for pride then for the continued evolution of a 6" clitoris.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: How did we ever get out that little hole; its hard enough for tampons to get in?
Love: Lesbians and Gays are the only true lovers. They were the amoebas that stood on the sidelines having orgasms instead of offspring.
Politics: Is it politically correct to say Hill's a hermaphrodite...or is it slander? I get the two mixed up.
--all done in good humor
Monday, March 3, 2008
24 > 13
L: lie
O: optimism
V: venereal disease
E: extra credit
My grandad lent me a book by Glenn Beck titled, "Real Solutions to the World's Biggest Problems: An Inconvenient Book". Beck narrowmindedly conceives approaches to handling hot-
national-topics while giving the book the name "World's Biggest Problems..."
I wasn't aware, Glenn, that there was a Mexican Boarder Problem in Russia; and to think we've been hogging all the barbed-wire.
But then it hit me!
According to Beck, some of the World's Biggest Problems include:
Blind Dating
Remembering Names
Tips/Gratuities
I must say that had I not read this book, these problems wouldn't have even crossed my mind as internationally unavoidable inconveniences! But take a look again---they MUST.
With so many international food chains (aka Outback, Kyotos, Applebees) getting rid of their free appetizer bread (ESPECIALLY in Africa) it is no wonder that tip jars have been replaced by malnutrition.
In China you have like a BILLION people all living within 20 minutes of each other, and half of them have either the same name or one that rhymes with it. Of COURSE this is a memory tag for the name-recollection impared.
The growing number of --dumb people-- has led to the universal use of AIM as a blind-date facility. Cyber your what?
In any case, Beck has now become my new hero and will hopefully be coming up with a #2. If all the presidential candidates were like Glenn, then perhaps the world would be a little less confusing. What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Do NOT let people you don't know get you down.
Love: Do NOT let STD's escape your definition of love. More lovers than not have one.
Politics: I'm sorry that Glenn Beck didn't write a chapter on math; perhaps Obama's 24 primary wins would have made more sense to Hillary if she knew that that was bigger than 13.
--all done in good humor
O: optimism
V: venereal disease
E: extra credit
My grandad lent me a book by Glenn Beck titled, "Real Solutions to the World's Biggest Problems: An Inconvenient Book". Beck narrowmindedly conceives approaches to handling hot-
national-topics while giving the book the name "World's Biggest Problems..."
I wasn't aware, Glenn, that there was a Mexican Boarder Problem in Russia; and to think we've been hogging all the barbed-wire.
But then it hit me!
According to Beck, some of the World's Biggest Problems include:
Blind Dating
Remembering Names
Tips/Gratuities
I must say that had I not read this book, these problems wouldn't have even crossed my mind as internationally unavoidable inconveniences! But take a look again---they MUST.
With so many international food chains (aka Outback, Kyotos, Applebees) getting rid of their free appetizer bread (ESPECIALLY in Africa) it is no wonder that tip jars have been replaced by malnutrition.
In China you have like a BILLION people all living within 20 minutes of each other, and half of them have either the same name or one that rhymes with it. Of COURSE this is a memory tag for the name-recollection impared.
The growing number of --dumb people-- has led to the universal use of AIM as a blind-date facility. Cyber your what?
In any case, Beck has now become my new hero and will hopefully be coming up with a #2. If all the presidential candidates were like Glenn, then perhaps the world would be a little less confusing. What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Do NOT let people you don't know get you down.
Love: Do NOT let STD's escape your definition of love. More lovers than not have one.
Politics: I'm sorry that Glenn Beck didn't write a chapter on math; perhaps Obama's 24 primary wins would have made more sense to Hillary if she knew that that was bigger than 13.
--all done in good humor
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Personal Social Security Balance = $185.00
Today is my sister's 18th birthday...woohoo?
Yesterday I was walking around TargAY with Elysia and Christina and realized, Toto, that I am not in childhood any longer. Its funny remembering things about high school--like how cool I thought I was--and now realizing the little twiglet walking around the local "Made in China Emporium" thinks the same about herself...haha WRONG.
Ah youth.
Literally though, there must have been a million high school girls out-and-about yesterday; and all the while, I felt like this sideshow freak that everyone was walking past because they didn't want to waste a ticket to stop and take a look. What an esteem SHATTERER.
My imaginary ex-friend, God, only knows how the 30+ walking around must have felt. Not that these people are old, quite the contrary, but they are less likely to put on heavy eyeliner, black eyeshadow, and multicolored press-on nails just to go to the store--and lets face it--highschoolers judge SOLELY on these criteria. Us in our late teens and 20s still opt for mascara and manicures, so we are less harshly criticized.
Press ons make the girl? What a shame.
Perhaps if highschool girls understood that:
WetSeal clothing only looks good at WetSeal
Fake diamonds look like fake diamonds
&
Their "Frada" purses aren't fooling anyone
--maybe these girls would start appreciating education and opaque bras.
Personally, my kids will be taking advantage of Martha Stewart's K-Mart line. Its affordable, beige, and brand name. Hopefully the line will soon be including clothing with the towels and handmade pinecone-turkeys.
In any case, I used to wish I was older--since college and friends turning 21 I've decided as long as everyone else gets me alcohol, I really don't need to age.
Ever since yesterday, I've never wished to be further from my teens, pleather, and braces...Yuck.
I guess the only thing that makes sense is death at 20...
Damn highschoolers.
What I learned (yesterday?) in life, love, and politics:
Life: "The last little paragraph, ex-friend God...I was knocking on wood."
Love: wtf, bff Rose...don't make me LOL!!
Politics: Barack Obama chose to commercialize his campaign between takes of this weeks American Idol; Hillary Clinton appeared briefly on Saturday Night Live; and Ron Paul flew a blimp over Columbia, SC. Obviously John McCain believes his facebook group says it all.
--all done in good humor
Yesterday I was walking around TargAY with Elysia and Christina and realized, Toto, that I am not in childhood any longer. Its funny remembering things about high school--like how cool I thought I was--and now realizing the little twiglet walking around the local "Made in China Emporium" thinks the same about herself...haha WRONG.
Ah youth.
Literally though, there must have been a million high school girls out-and-about yesterday; and all the while, I felt like this sideshow freak that everyone was walking past because they didn't want to waste a ticket to stop and take a look. What an esteem SHATTERER.
My imaginary ex-friend, God, only knows how the 30+ walking around must have felt. Not that these people are old, quite the contrary, but they are less likely to put on heavy eyeliner, black eyeshadow, and multicolored press-on nails just to go to the store--and lets face it--highschoolers judge SOLELY on these criteria. Us in our late teens and 20s still opt for mascara and manicures, so we are less harshly criticized.
Press ons make the girl? What a shame.
Perhaps if highschool girls understood that:
WetSeal clothing only looks good at WetSeal
Fake diamonds look like fake diamonds
&
Their "Frada" purses aren't fooling anyone
--maybe these girls would start appreciating education and opaque bras.
Personally, my kids will be taking advantage of Martha Stewart's K-Mart line. Its affordable, beige, and brand name. Hopefully the line will soon be including clothing with the towels and handmade pinecone-turkeys.
In any case, I used to wish I was older--since college and friends turning 21 I've decided as long as everyone else gets me alcohol, I really don't need to age.
Ever since yesterday, I've never wished to be further from my teens, pleather, and braces...Yuck.
I guess the only thing that makes sense is death at 20...
Damn highschoolers.
What I learned (yesterday?) in life, love, and politics:
Life: "The last little paragraph, ex-friend God...I was knocking on wood."
Love: wtf, bff Rose...don't make me LOL!!
Politics: Barack Obama chose to commercialize his campaign between takes of this weeks American Idol; Hillary Clinton appeared briefly on Saturday Night Live; and Ron Paul flew a blimp over Columbia, SC. Obviously John McCain believes his facebook group says it all.
--all done in good humor
Saturday, March 1, 2008
What is this world Cumming to?
Too much inspiration?
Yesterday I celebrated "V-day" at the Vagina Monologues. Usually I hate to say the words vagina, pussy, monkey-box, twatter-pole...but last night was a breakthrough!! Not only did I pay only $7 for women to "help" me through this phobia, but I also got a chocolate vagina for only $1, and have not been able to stop saying "vagina" (now some 13 hours later)!!
What more is bliss?
The Vagina Monologues were a collection of short stories and renditions of a womans study done about 10 years ago. The overall message, however, served the purpose of spreading awareness for women and girls' safety and sexual/physical well being. Though I've read in anthropology classes about woman-genital-mutilation, I never could quite bring that information 'home'. Strictly speaking, to have a woman's clitoris removed (a nerve line that stretches from the front of the abdomen all the way to the back) it would be equivalent to having a man's penis CHOPPED OFF...a battle women have been contemplating for years.
Anyway, the monologue used the repeating themes:
"What would your vagina say?"
&
"What would your vagina wear?"
Since the show I've been dying to do my own rendition of the monologue--but I have tried and found my vagina to be a little on the quiet/naked side. Eh, oh well.
So apart from that, my Friday was pretty boring...though I did go out to eat with my favorite roommate who doesn't mind that I'm only 5'2" and white... What I learned in life, love, and politics:
Life: Either never use a debit card at Krispy Kremes, or never use a debit card around people named "Paul"...one of them steals---we have yet to figure out which.
Love: Women are deep, dark, and mysterious lovers, while men are awkward, saggy, and ugly lovers.
Politics: Vibrators cannot be sold in Virginia; those who are caught in the act are fined up to $5000 and can be put in jail for 5 years. Virginian women are suffering from lack of orgasms, and we're still worried about Iraq?
--all done in good humor
Yesterday I celebrated "V-day" at the Vagina Monologues. Usually I hate to say the words vagina, pussy, monkey-box, twatter-pole...but last night was a breakthrough!! Not only did I pay only $7 for women to "help" me through this phobia, but I also got a chocolate vagina for only $1, and have not been able to stop saying "vagina" (now some 13 hours later)!!
What more is bliss?
The Vagina Monologues were a collection of short stories and renditions of a womans study done about 10 years ago. The overall message, however, served the purpose of spreading awareness for women and girls' safety and sexual/physical well being. Though I've read in anthropology classes about woman-genital-mutilation, I never could quite bring that information 'home'. Strictly speaking, to have a woman's clitoris removed (a nerve line that stretches from the front of the abdomen all the way to the back) it would be equivalent to having a man's penis CHOPPED OFF...a battle women have been contemplating for years.
Anyway, the monologue used the repeating themes:
"What would your vagina say?"
&
"What would your vagina wear?"
Since the show I've been dying to do my own rendition of the monologue--but I have tried and found my vagina to be a little on the quiet/naked side. Eh, oh well.
So apart from that, my Friday was pretty boring...though I did go out to eat with my favorite roommate who doesn't mind that I'm only 5'2" and white... What I learned in life, love, and politics:
Life: Either never use a debit card at Krispy Kremes, or never use a debit card around people named "Paul"...one of them steals---we have yet to figure out which.
Love: Women are deep, dark, and mysterious lovers, while men are awkward, saggy, and ugly lovers.
Politics: Vibrators cannot be sold in Virginia; those who are caught in the act are fined up to $5000 and can be put in jail for 5 years. Virginian women are suffering from lack of orgasms, and we're still worried about Iraq?
--all done in good humor
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