I've Found the Lord

And I want to come clean for Jesus...

I, like so many other lawyers in training, have a chronic lying problem. I realized yesterday that the madness and deception has got to stop if I ever want to lead a normal life; therefore, I'm writing to wipe my slate and start anew...

I was never part of the Russian mob. All those who believed me,
I'm sorry.
I never had a hamster named Rolo--and he never was dipped in
chocolate and fed to my cats. Sorry.
My highschool did not have a seperate slave quarters
building. In fact, there wasn't a building for the slaves. Sorry.
My pseudonym is not my real name. Sorry.
I didn't witness Angelina and Brad having sex in Detroit.
But they were making out. Sorry.
What I just wrote a second ago was a lie. Sorry.

Okay, well I feel better. Everything else I've ever said was all true & you could probably bet your life on it. Thank you God for forgiving people like me and making mansions of gold in Heaven for the good people and sending the others to Hell.

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life--it is much better to take a shower than go to class. Especially if you frequent a once-a-week class more than you do the shower.
Love--Libby went to China.
Politics--Yus'er massa' Barack.

~all done in good humor

Save for later use.

I am away from my computer at this time.

So I was web-surfing tonight & realized that I have about 180 AIM away messages saved under my screen-name at home. This is utterly the most pathetic day of my meaningless existance...

I must have led such a lonely life in highschool in order to WRITE 180 away messages...

AND FURTHERMORE?

I am on my third year of college and have enough spare time to READ all 180 my away messages from highschool.

Here are some examples:

easter brings about eating disorders....
and no, they do not involve throwing up or starving.

Smile it makes a world of difference. Dance who knows when you won't be able to. Live because life is everything...AND DAMNIT HAVE SWEETDREAMS:-D

sun tanning, off to the strawberry farm, then fishing for a wall-mounter (:

CDavis60: i sent the check, my divorce laywer mailed it
smileygurl8830: uh huh...you spin a might fine yarn of lies
CDavis60: well you spin a trail of deception
smileygurl8830: yell you leave a trail of urine...you fat cow
CDavis60: and you leave a trail of shitt falling out your ass
smileygurl8830: haha, ok whatever homo
CDavis60: Dike
smileygurl8830: FAGGOT


I blame AIM for my social malfunctions and my rare form of "Automotive Resperatory Diamysis"...I also blame them for chronic hunger in Siam & the liver spots on the aged.

The end.

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Steven Orr Spurrier is a magician.
Love: Rhymes with Fluve---if you pronounce it right.
Politics: I don't remember loaning China billions of dollars.

~all done in good humor

Surprise!

Man--I suck at blogging.

In case anyone was wondering, I did not die recently; ergo that was not the reason for my absence in "blogger" world. Lots of non-cyber related porn...took my mind off of the important things in life.

So I have been contemplating about writing for my university's newspaper. Something along the lines of sitting in a "secret" spot, watching the kids go by, and making fun of them with my sharp wit and binoculars. There is so much potential here for bitchy comments via moi--like the other day, I saw this big-un' with her hair extensions the same color as her bright purple shirt and shoes! Since when did Barney start advertising on college campuses?---I'd really like a job.

Oh, and how about the cattle that keep parading in plaid mini-shorts around school?! I do not want to see your cellulite, uterus, or branded butt cheeks on my way to psych. of religion. Literally, these girls look like their shorts are about to be eaten away by the munching of their famished asses---to put it in layman's terms. Obviously they don't realize that guys don't go for that bull...especially when there are people like me walking around.

And don't think that boys escape my scrutiny. I was talking with a friend recently about how guys are becoming so much more metro-sexual on campus. Funny since this is south carolina and this is south carolina---there are no "metros", there are no equal rights, 5 girls in an apartment is considered a brothel. Why the hell do I have to share my skinny jeans, sunglasses, hair styles and makeup with all the guys in the world? So what if we stole your multi-bladed razors, boxer-briefs, and pants! You pratically handed them to us! But my feminity?! You can't have it, "metro-boy," so give it back.

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Is funnier when viewed upside down, drunk, and shirtless.
Love: PLUMP WHEN YOU COOK THEM!
Politics: Palin= knocked up teen
Mrs. Spears= knocked up Jamie-Lynn
The question is who will shave their head next?

~all done in good humor

Good Behavior

The bigger the tissues, the bigger the issues.

Breast cancer 101.

I am suppose to be writing a journal for one of my classes on a "personal behavior that I want to change"...Unfortunately, I don't think that I have any personal behaviors that need changing...

Case in point(s):

The other day I did the right thing by not running over a man in a wheelchair who was crossing the street. A friend in the backseat said that I should have hit the guy; I suggested to this friend that he seek immediate spiritual attention, because I'm convinced he's Satan.
Good Behavior
It was my birthday this past weekend and even though NONE of my room mates said Happy Birthday to me on facebook; I did the polite thing of bringing them out on the matter and giving them a 4 day grace period...this is day 3.
Good Behavior
In my psych. of Religion class my teacher is a moron with a cute old man exterior. Do I yell in his face for saying "how do atheists congregate" after I tell him I'm an atheist? NO...I gave him a smile and made a voodoo doll of him instead.
Good Behavior
I asked for a lap dance but settled for a brownie instead.
Good Behavior
I quit eating meat...AGAIN!
Good Behavior

So see--I just really don't understand how to be more perfect. I don't have big breasts--but more tissues = more issues...so I doubt I want them.

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Suck it up.
Love: MY NEW VASELINE.
Politics: Since when did Al Gore make it back to AOL News Headlines?

~all done in good humor

Obama + Kenney Chesney = OPRAH concerts

Back by popular demand (aka personal boredom).

So I'd really love to do a blog solely on the Denvercratic convention thats been attracting Hollywood socialites. Unfortunately, as most Southern Belles go, I am a penny pinching Republican who'd rather watch the lower class die.
I expect that most Yankees would believe that those of Dixie don't want Obama to be president because of his skin color. How wrong! I choose not to endorse Obama due to his lack of country music knowledge.
In neither of his two books did Obama mention a single word about:
1. rednecks
2. Hank Williams
3. my ex-husband
4. my ex-dog
5. NASCAR
This is what the U.S is ALL ABOUT. How can we have a President who doesn't account for the largest inbreeding culture in our nation!? Its pathetic.
On the other hand. McCain just by his physical nature MUST be a fan of the steel guitar and therefore the face of all "country-music-fan-kind". I can't wait to get him to USC, 9th fastest growing university in a recent poll, and feed him some bar-b-que.

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Stay out of politics.
Love: Saying "get out of my life mo-fo" is not meant to be taken lightly.
Politics: Stay out of life.

~all done in good humor.

Desperation Approximation

What happened to the Brawny Man?

I am a frequenter of the paper-towel.
Not necessarily because I'm a frequent spiller--but mostly because I like the picture of the guy on the label.
The Brawny Man.
I'd say I roughly spend about $100 per month just so that I can keep my bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, and car FILLED with pictures of his little face. He literally gets me through the day.

Anyway, I was looking at one of the used Brawny labels that I have stapled to my wall, and I started thinking--why is it that guys are dropping their plaid shirts and grizzly beards for batman belts and Suave shampoo? Do not they know that most girls want a "man" (grr...); not a wussy bitch? I suppose the dominance issue could come into play for some girls--but I'd prefer getting hand-cuffed to my bed by a "man" (grr...), rather than dildoing a guy up the butt b/c he prefers me take the lead.

So guys...for at least my sake & the rest of the girly girls--buy some Brawny, get your shit together, and do it like a "man" (grr...).

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Do not let random people come into your
apartment when they look like creepers--
chances are, they ARE creepers.
Love: Red wine
Politics: At least Biden's kids are HOTT...whoever Biden is.

~all done in good humor

ABC 1,2,3

With school starting in a WEEK, I thought it best to write a Junior Year Resolution:

1. No more drinking boxed wine.
2. Wash clothes every week.
3. Begin each day with a healthy snack.
4. Throw up healthy snack to weigh less.
5. Become involved with a local union.
6. Give back to the black community.
7. Fluff my pillows after every use.
8. Enjoy being single.
9. Enjoy random sex invites.
10. Enjoy random cab rides.
11.. Learn how to lie better.
11. Carry a snack to class.
12. Keep car well oiled.
13. Stop traffic with my "hard-core-abs"
14. Learn how to tango.
15. Buy an air conditioner.
16. Annoy the shit out of my friends.
17. Sing more CCR.
18. Invest in Vaseline.
19. Feed my feline companion.
20. Pass my rock climbing class.

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: I'm not so desperate as to make out with a girl! YES!
Love: The word panties!
Politics: Russia's taking over the world! Obama must be the anti-christ!

~all done in good humor

Turning Japanese-o-not?!

You know...I counted my actual posts & I only have 36.

Well now 37. A while back I was talking to a friend (as usual) and we got on the conversation of sex (as usual). Its funny, but I'm getting to the point where this has become a miniature "sex blog" written by a "girl" who "ain't gettin' none". Our conversation, though, was dealing with the newest theory that:
Guys don't think about sex as much as women, presently--that the role has switched to where girls are the horny bastards & guys are the innocent by-standers.
Is this true? Am I not the only girl that thinks about men and vaseline 90% of their day?
Are the peni(?) of the world suffering from handicapped hormones?

The other night I remember having a dream about lingerie, people throwing spit balls at me, and a giant grizzly bear--this could become the face of the female wet dream equivalency! With these unsteady times, I feel bad for us girls--we finally want sex more than wedding bands & what do guys do? Go limp.

In any case, I hope to hear that guys start bringing sexy back--I think the term is called Turning Japanese-"o"?--and can find a cure for their lack of stamina. I mean, again, there is no reason that my friend and I should be so desperate as to look on eharmony for sex; (or those little "5 guys in 5 min." adds on facebook). There should be plenty of erections to go around.

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Always ask for reciepts.
Love: Guys, VIAGRA.
Politics: I wonder how much of my tax money goes to pay for Senators?
Think of how many condoms that could buy.

~all done in good humor

50!

I've finally hit the 50 blog mark.

So I was driving after work today and for some reason the comment, "you drive me crazy", came to mind. Immediately my mind circled around the comment, "you drive me up the wall."

What does "drive me up a wall" mean? And is it what constitutes being cRaZy?

Anyway, 50 blog mark--I'm done for the day.
What I've learned today in Life, Love, and Politics:
Life: Thunderstorms=Downed Trees=Annoying Detours
Love: I want a bird.
Politics: Shew. . . Shew.

Mute it, crazy!

Are you so certain that ignorance is bliss?

Guy walks into a bar.
Ouch.
Don't you think he'd rather have known about the bar than ignored it?

There's just something about that scenario which draws me to a more religious aspect; of course being a religion minor helps too. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I ended up having a religion debate with my grandfather; trying to subdue his rath (since my birthday IS coming up) I decided to do as he wished, and come up with questions that I wanted answered by a pastor.
I gave the list to my grandfather and he gave it to the pastor at the "church I once affiliated myself with".

Feedback: Don't expect those with faith to understand reason. The two just don't mesh.

Several days ago my mother shows up at my door and gives me yet another, "I'm trying to save your soul" gift. This time it was a book about questions that skeptics ask and the answers to those questions. Unfortunately the book beats around the bush at answering questions typical of atheists/non-believers, and instead uses un-rational ways to prove God's existance. Such as:

Everything has to have a beginning. Therefore, everything also has to have a creator to have made it. God is the beginning of all things, therefore the universe must exist because of him.
***Um, if everything has a beginning than what created God? If God exists then he must have come from something/somewhere--right. Oh the tragedy of being ignorant.

Anway, not a funny blog, but what was on my mind.
What I learned today in Life, Love, and Politics:
Life: Archaeology is a LOT harder than what you might think.
Love: Tom Petty.
Politics: Jump on the Obama ship for a free college experience & better food rations.
Jump on the McCain ship for a free nude thong & white president.

~all done in good humor

Walk like an eVirgin...

You poor poor girl.

I seem to start these blogs out in the same way; "I was talking to a girlfriend today" when we got on a conversation about make out scenarios.
PS: This friend is a virgin in almost all respects.

Why is it that this wonderfully funny, smart, and cute girl has not had the pleasure (aka disaster) of relationship bliss?

I began wondering whether or not it would seem odd to a guy if the girl he began dating would be less experienced than he? Would he like the idea of "virgin soil", or would he rather have "fertilized farmland"?

To my knowledge we all must start at some point--I can't remember my first kiss with my first boyfriend, but I know it happened. Why is it that being a virgin throughout your teens would seem prudish (except of course to the Christians with their chastity belts)? Why is it that being a virgin through your early twenties would be "hopeless?" She'll remember her first time a lot better than others do theirs.

Anyway, I feel awful for this poor poor girl that hasn't had the opportunity to suck face with a guy. If you are interested in giving out charity donations to a friend, check out her eharmony page---some are so lucky as to have one.

What I've learned today in Life, Love, and Politics:
Life: Its hard to be a vegetarian.
Love: Women haven't needed men since the popularity boom of the sperm bank and invention of the dildo. What are we still keeping them around for!?
Politics: I don't get paid enough.

~all done in good humor

Fantasy.Football

Fantasy.naked.Football.

I.was.talking.with.a.girlfriend.the.other.day.and.it.was
really.surprising.when.she.told.me.that.my.classic.line
in.conversation.is."I.want.him.all.over.me".

Odd.

Its.true.that.most.of.the.time,.I.feel.the.need.to.have.Hugh
Laurie.dipped.in.chocolate,.rolling.on.my.bedspread---
but.is.that.such.a.bad.thing?!

Northerners.like.sausages...Mountain.men.like.their.kin...
Texans.like.Dolly.Parton...and.I.like.fantasies...

Blame.the.upbringing.

In.any.case,.if.someone.would.happen.to.have.Hugh.Laurie's.
cell,.a.bottle.of.chocolate.sauce,.a.pair.of.socks,.and.a.plunger,
I'd.really.appreciate.a.response.

What.I've.learned.today.in.Life,.Love,.and.Politics:
Life:...We.should.all.talk.sex.with.Sue
Love:...lubricate,.LUBRicate,.LUBRICATE
Politics:...Still.strong.for.Colbert...

So.you.think.you've.got.Game?

Yeah.right...

I.was.watching.a.movie.tonight.with.a.friend.about.love.and
affection--throughout.the.whole.movie.I.was.questioning.my
sanity,.but.nevertheless.I.made.it.through.the.video.with.
only.a.handful.of.questions.

Do.real.men.wear.pink?
What.are.the.male.flirting.signs?
How.do.you.avoid.a.male.in.heat?

I.pondered.on.my.questions.for.a.while.and.came.up.with
these.answers.

Real.men.sometimes.have.the.need.to.show.off.their.emotions.
Aka--wearing.pink.on.their.sleeves.
Take.the.amigos.down.at.the.corner.Walmart.for.example...they
stare.down.most.limber.objects,.and.then.start.up.their.little.lingo
so.that.no.one.can.understand.what.they're.saying.
Well.Jose---I.know.what.puerta.means,...and.you.ain't.shoving.your.
grande.in.mine.

The.male.of.our.species.can.be.classified.into.4.flirt.types:
Drive.by--guy.tries.to.look.as.cool.as.possible.when.approaching
possible.target...stares.victim.down.and.keeps.going.wanting.to.
see.if.she.follows.
Hugh.Grant--guy.uses.his.charming.assets.to.win.over.mate.
Physical.Reprimand--guy...(usually.teen)...will.think.that.physical
hitting,.spitting,."throwing.water.on"...are.the.proper.way.to.catch
a.gal--wrongo.
Lack.of.Game--guy.is.within.20%.of.e-harmony's.dating.rejects.and
flirts.with.others.via.the.internet...btw...also.has.a.hairy
lower.back (in.most.cases).

How.do.you.avoid.males:
*DO.NOT.BECOME.A.LESBIAN!!*...you.think.guys.stare.at.you.now?
Wait.until.you.make.plans.with.a.girlfriend.and.you.have.to.feel.
uncomfortale.because.some.horny.guy.wants.you.to.make.out.w/
each.other.

What.I've.learned.today.in.Life.Love.and.Politics:
Life:...only.worth.what.its.made.of
Love:...$$
Politics:...I.wish.Monopoly.money.was.fo'rizzle.

~all.done.in.good.fun

Shallow.Me?

Again....ignore.the.periods.

I'm.sure.that.most.people.remember.the.theatre.
buster..."shallow.hal"...starring.Jack.Black.
It.wasn't.until.just.recently.(about.5.minutes.ago).that.I
really.realized.my.own.shallow.tendencies.involving.men...

I.got.an.AIM.several.weeks.back.from.a.screen-name.
that.I.didn't.know--sounds.harmless.enough,.but.the.
thought.of.being.stalked/murdered.by.some.crazy.
lunatic.kept.popping.into.mind.
The.person.asked.me.several.questions...I.asked.if.I
knew.him...he.said."no".that.he.just.had.my.info.
from.a.long.time.ago...
Conversation.ends...we.don't.converse.until.tonight.
Okay,...so...what.to.think?
Crazy.psycho,.or.male.model?

If.you.read.my.posting.from.yesterday.you'd.already
know.the.answer...

The.internet.has.screwed.me.by.sending.Jim.my.way.
He.Im'ed.me.tonight.and.sent.me.a.link.to.his.myspace.
OF.COURSE.I.was.interested.to.see.who.he.was!
Unfortunately,...e-harmony.must.have.sent.out.my.
information.to.the.other.20%.of.applicants.who.can't
get.easy.sex--this.guy.was.totally.declined.membership
to.the.dating.market.

I.told.him.that.my.internet.was.being.idiotic.so.I.
couldn't.view.his.profile.link....(lie--big.lie)
He.asked.what.I.liked.to.do.for.fun:
I.told.him.I.was.studying.at.UCLA.this.summer.
doing.ethnobotany....(lie--though.a.cool.thought).
He.asked.if.I.was.there.now:
"I'm.such.an.idiot...If.he's.a.stalker.of.course.he.
knows.I'm.still.in.SC!!

The.only.thing.I.could.think.to.do.was.delete.him
from.my.buddy.list...
Poor.Jim.

Anyway,...I.feel.bad.but.I.figure...Jack
Black.got.with.Gwyneth.Paltrow.at."Shallow.Hal's".end
Jim.is.definitely.nobody's.idea.of.a.male.Gwyneth.
Paltrow...so.there.has.to.be.someone.to.look.forward.to!

What.I've.learned.today.in.Life,.Love,.and.Politics:
Life:...If.Brittany.Spears.can.steal.from.Locks.of.Love.
in.order.to.get.the.locks.that.guys.like...why.can't.I?
Love:...AIM.should.not.be.a.dating.resource.
Politics:...Freedom.to.Love

~all.done.in.good.humor

Horny.&.Petty

I.apologize.for.my.lack.of.spaces...

After.nearly.three.months.of.radio.silence.I.felt.the.need.to.add
a.post.after.listening.to.Tom.Petty's..."You.don't.know.
how.it.feels." Do.you.ever.listen.to.a.song.and.immediately.
want.to.have.sex.with.someone?
Ugh...me.too...
Anyway,...this.song.did.it.for.me,.but.then.I.remembered.
my.past.month.of.relationship.realizations:

Realization.#1:...According.to.AOLnews.guys.don't.like.girls.
with.short.hair...Apparently.the.trendy.fashion.forward.look.
is.more."butchy".to.guys.than.cute.
I.think.men.should.be.grateful.that.a.woman.would.
touch.something.as.ugly.as.a.penis.

Realization.#2:...Just.last.week.a.friend.and.I.decided.to.go.
"wild".and.create.e-harmony.profiles.for.ourselves...
Not.to.actually.find.a.guy.but.just.to.see.who.we'd.pair.up.with.
After.answering.over.100.questions.and.reflecting.on.my.
personality,.e-harmony.sends.me.a.disclaimer.saying.
that.20%.of.applicants.are.not.given.a.profile.because.
they're.not. suited.for.the.cyber.dating.world...
Fuck.you.e-harmony.
P.S:...my.friend.already.has.17.suitable. matches.on.her.profile.


Realization.#3:...I.am.too.short.for.relationship.bliss.

Therefore,.even.though.Tom.Petty.makes.me.want.roll.
around.with.a.guy.covered.in.
vaseline.and.Hawaiian.Tropic.tanning.oil....
I.can't.because.the.internet.screwed.me.instead.

What.I've.learned.today.in.life,.love,.and.politics:
Life:...Do.not.walk.underneath.birds.
Love:...match.com
Politics:...Whoever.gives.me.free.gas.gets.my.vote.

~all.done.in.good.humor

Pumpkins for Sale

I'm going green.

With the outrageous prices of gas these days, I'm taking a page out of the Polygamist Bible & creating my own indoor wheat & pumpkin patch. Apparently with only the help of tap water, dirt, and a pot--a college kid like me could start the next big "fad".
Wheat being the essential product for "br-ead", will be a must for all my late night sandwiches & last nights Little People Big World re-run made me realize the long term monatary value of pumpkins & "pumpkin flingers(?)". What a way to go!

So I was sitting in the library today--as if I had nothing else to do for an hour--and got the opportunity to listen to another guy talk about his BM-incapabilities.
And I quote, "I'm shooting blanks. It had to have been the most unfulfilling shit I've ever taken...I sat there farting for like 15 min. until a poop about this big came out."

WHOA...grossidon'twannalisten...anyway, back to my indoor farm. Hopefully the USC network will give me some air-time in order to spread the gospel of green. If not then just recall that I'll be the girl by the BA selling pumpkins from my Rider Wagon next Halloween.

What I've learned today in Life, Love, and Politics:
Life: Buy stock in alcohol...When the market crashes, its the first thing people are going to go for.
Love: Talking shit, literally, is not sexy.
Politics: If Hillary puts an end to the new Facebook "chatting" application...I'll sign my name in blood -right-now-

We're not in Kansas anymore

I spent the past 8 hours in a car...

My friend "Adriana" and I are on our way to Pittsburgh, home of the Pirates, Penguins, and Steelers---whatever they are, and have made a pit-stop in West Virginia. The trip has been memorable so far because of these things:

$3.45 a gallon gas prices

Oh wait, that's it.

Somewhere between a bag of goldfish, a pound of grapes, 2 diet cokes, and doritos, though, we did come across road signs saying "Bland, VA", "Adult Novelties", and "North:2 miles". I felt most compelled to turn around when we passed the "Biscuit World" signs--but apparently its just a typical northern thing.

Before I forget, I'd also like to mention the one MAJOR difference I've seen on this "expedition" to Pitt-town...the education system. In South Carolina we frequently see the bright yellow deer crossing signs; however...and let me say once again, "HOWEVER"....in the North these signs are not only erected, but come with instructions which the deer are taught to follow:

Deer Crossing--next 2 miles.

Amazing! Deers that can read!
Might I add that those deer that cross out of zone are ticketed for jay-herding and are most often sentenced to death by tractor trailer (w/o trial). Pity.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Do not expect answers in a room full of philosophy majors.
Love: Wait or date?
Politics: Even though the "bl**ks" have racially created Cracker Barrel; it would be a sin against our fellow man to create a Negro Bucket.

--all done in good humor

As in, "you's my boo."

How to be a polygamist:

1. Do not be a frequent sleeper.

2. Join an obscure religious sect.

3. Name your children Mariam, Josephias, and Gary.

4. Move to Eldorado, TX.

5. Eat peaches from a can.

6. Wear floral dresses

7. Wear suspenders

8. Marry your cousin

9. Marry your other cousin

10. Use bowl when cutting hair

11. Never shave under arms

12. Pick up all hitch-hikers

13. Praise Mormonism

14. Ask everyone you meet if they're married.

15. Ask everyone you meet if they want to be married.

16. Never work 3rd shift.

17. Snort birth control

18. Sing David Bowie songs

19. Sneeze out birth control

20. Have the general appearance of a serial killer.

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Never let just any one hit on you...they may be a Mormon.
Love: True love can be bought in Vegas. Elvis Presley presiding.
Politics: Weed is illegal...idiots

Oldest Joke in the Book

I'm really getting tweaked.

On top of the usual "Jerry Spring: Room Mate Shit" that usually plagues my existence, I've been stuck in a rut trying to explain to the world that I am no longer a god worshipper.

Unfortunately for us atheists, the general public in South Carolina believes that potluck dinners after church go hand in hand with sinlessness, and that Jesus was a Christian. Therefore the only way to be "accepted" is to fill a pew once a week and say the lord's prayer as monotonously as possible.

HOWEVER, in the great scheme of things, Arkansas passed a law today that infants can't be married--it seems god finally understands that babies are not able to say their own vows and has chosen to not sanctify the unions; But think about it, with half of modern marriages ending in divorce--adults may as well being saying "ga, ga, do."--lets let the todds. do what they want, god.

Anyway, South Carolina. So I've been recieving invites from several people/applications on facebook wanting me to join Bible groups, Jesus Camp military training, the NAACP, Methodist church retreats, but fyi I just want to be left alone.

My great-grandmother made it perfectly clear that she thought my tuition was not being well spent at a university that was teaching me heresy.

"Have you told your grandfather you're an atheist?"....
No, but I'm sure you will.


People seem to strive for everlasting life, but they get bored on rainy afternoons. How ironic.

Do you think it won't be just as boring in heaven? My life hasn't been as bad as to appreciate an eternity long harp solo or opaque choir robes. Those that wish for that type of lifestyle obviously have never been to Tabu Nightlife, an orgy, or a Sumter fish fry. Pity.

Whatever, I'm done with it. Those of the religious sect. can keep wishing for the impossible while the rest of us make the best of the impossible we already have. What I've learned today in life, love, and politics.

Life: "Two wrongs don't make a right, but it sure makes things even" sista souljah.
Love: Who am I kidding.
Politics: If it costs over a penny to make a penny...why don't we put GW Bush's face on it to stop the circulation?

Straight outta Ca'mton

My hate/hate relationships

My laptop has been hinting that it hates me this week. On top of taunting me every night (via facebook and uglypeople.com), reminding me of my boring life (via facebook and saks.com), and depressing me with unreliable friends (via facebook and AIM), my computer decides that my charger MUST BREAK. $112 dollars down the drain at Staples, and a block of chocolate to make it all better...

Me=0 ; Computer=1

Thursday I came home to find my disgusting apartment cleaned by the "not-hired-help"---my room mate Ty. Of course I always feel awful when she cleans the house, b/c she's never here to make a mess...but she's pretty obnoxious when it comes to handling her anger. Instead of yelling at me (like she did my other roomie), she shows me her dildo.
Yes. Her big, red, big, long, big dildo.
Grrrosss.
I mean, had the dildo been in a store it wouldn't have been that big of a deal to see. But this is a used big red dildo!! I don't want to see that shit.

Me=0; Ty=1

I with the rest of the universe have forgotten about the global warming theory and are battling the issue of Pollen Pollution. Currently prayers of forgiveness have been futile with high numbers of nasal casualties reported world-wide.
"I'm sorry God for not believing in You; please spare me the sinus pain & turn the pollen off."

Me=0; God=1

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: You will get stepped on throughout life. Hope that your physique is sharp enough to stab feet.
Love: I love late birthday/christmas presents ((:
Politics: Freedumb. Keeping the middle-class in line since FOREVER.


--all done in good humor

Beats Me...

If I did stand-up, I'd probably eat marshmallows.

Me:
Hello sexies...and welcome to the morning announcements.
Today we'll be skipping the pledge of allegiance to focus on more trendy topics:
Whats that SAND in your HAND taste like?
Who wet their pants & how do we know?
"Special Dessert Casserole Surprise"
and finally,
Baby Bump---or Bumpy Baby? (latest 3rd grade "the now" gossip).

Marshmallow Break.

Welcome.
Welcome, Americans to my very first stand up/sit down blog post.
If all goes well we'll be out of here in the next five minutes--if you can't read then I guess you'll be here indefinitely.
But don't worry--you can't read--and that's okay.

Shake your head if you can understand me.

All those that shook their head, please continue on.
Those that didn't---you can't read, and my taxes are probably paying for your Hawaiian Punch fruit cocktail.

Marshmallow Break.

I was talking to a man the other day about Homeland Security and felt a little beside myself... There was nothing there so I put my hand back in my lap. The guy kept muttering about George Bush and the Grand Canyon, but all I could focus on was his mustache and AK 47. I asked him who he thought was going to win next falls "Fabbies Style Blogger Award show". Lucky for me, I got out of Pakistan alive.

Its pretty distressing that not all comedians write their material. I don't understand why the person writing the scripts can't be the one on the actual show. Perhaps their not that marketable? Maybe they've suffered the occasional "fat-attack"? But Oprah weighs over 250 lbs., has a black woman mustache, AND has a black woman mustache; I think in lieu of obesity, enriched wheat flour, and 7blade septuple-ACTION razors, we should give the writers a chance.

Marshmallow break.

Every once in a while an opportunity comes around that could give hungry people in Africa some food. Most of the time I just change the channel. Like I said, I'm already paying taxes to feed half the population in S.C...I can't afford to pick up their African cousins as well.

Marshmallow break.

Chris Farley is one of my all time fav. comedians. I was thinking, like two minutes ago, that his ass-crack was one of his best assets...gross and sometimes scary to think of...but funny. This made me think, though, if I was a true comedian would it be funny to viewers if I showed a little crack? Seems disturbing.

Marshmallow break.

Well I believe five minutes has been up.
I hope all these tiddies have been well worth my Saturday morning. If not, then I'll remember that stand up/sit down blogs are not my thing & continue making fun of random people instead.
Good morning viewers and happy trails.

Marshmallow Break

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: I just woke up...haven't learned much yet.
Love: Is like high-fives. For a bit, they're okay...but after awhile your hand hurts and eventually falls off--kind of like penises.
Politics: I go to USC---home of STEVEN ORR SPURRIER. Football & Politics escape me.


--all done in good humor

Das' Wack...

White Crackers of the World Unite...

Flipping through channels today, I happened upon CMT--the Cuntry Moosic 'Tarded channel.
To compete amongst the reality shows of BET, VH1, & Bravo, CMT has created a living legend "Redneck Weddings". Not only does the show reveal the ancient arts of cow tipping and mud wresslin' in wedding garb., but it brings back fond memories of my childhood in South Carolina.
How many times have I heard "the only way to go down is a ho-down"? And how many times did mamma say, "you gotta constipate marriages, otherwise they's analed"?
The show is REVOLUTIONARY.
It has got to be the only show that really speaks to me (apart from Maury), and I must say what a blessing.
BTW, courtesy of News 19, Jesus has been spotted in South Carolina --obviously he's a fan of "Redneck Weddings" and wanted to be included next episode. No, but for serious, Jesus was spotted in the wood grain of a woman's bedroom door this week; local pastors say that the image is genuine and a sign from god. Those that have actually READ the bible realize that no one knows what Jesus looks like---for all we know this may be the face of Frederick Douglass coming back to haunt dumb white people.
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: I would from here on out like to be referred to as a white "biscuit".
Love: I took a road less traveled and ended up with more money and a vibrator.
Politics: Political scandals get so much air time---whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan?

--all done in good humor

WWJD

Anal or Oral?

I was with a friend the other night and we ended up talking about the a's and o's of sex.
Though I can hardly be called on for sexual advice, I do have more experience than this particular friend---we got to talking.
If someone who is not a virgin doesn't feel comfortable with the "sexy?" parts of sex, then how does a virgin stand a chance?
HBO's REAL SEX doesn't offer anal/oral lessons for girls...
Talk Sex with Sue advocates lubricant...that's scary...
'Spencer's' turns everything into a joke...
Its as if the world has closed its eyes and mouths on the subject of "preparing virgins" for the dirty work ahead. People, this is a subject that needs some of the MOST guidance--not only for girls but for guys as well.
What do you do if someone asks to "give you anal?"
Or you go from a perfectly acceptable making out stance to...semi 69?
Is NO NO NO HELL NO an acceptable answer?
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Which Would Jesus Do?
Love: Just get me drunk first I guess.
Politics: Birds of a feather, flock together.

--all done in good humor

"The Talk", kids.

Big Feet=Big Dick.

I'm sick of all these reality shows that make a mockery out of true love. True love is the only way to survive this world of sexy lingerie models --contrary to popular belief--love is "true" only when it includes sweat stained t-shirts, skid marks, and beer cans.
Sexy lingerie models and the ugly people on reality love shows do not wear t-shirts under their bras; they do not get skid marks from their fancy Charmin Ultra; and they definitely can afford beer in a glass bottle!!
It is true love blasphemy.
Those that can't date, do. And those that can't learn, get tv gigs.
WTF...kissing and sex should be saved for marriage!!
If people want to make up reality shows then why not go ahead and tell it like it is, bitch?!
"Flavor of Flava's Grill."
"Domenico Give me aMORE'."
"I <3 money not New York's Monkey Face."
Our children are growing up in a godless age of television and I must say that rap music is behind it all. I can only hope that kids learn from their parents' wrong ways and keep their radios tuned to the AM gospel channels.
With the revival of "O Little Town of Bethlehem" and "Near the Cross", perhaps the next generation will find pleasure in truth instead of lies.

Big Feet=Big Dicks...
Big Feet do not equal big socks.
Vietnam sweat shops=big socks.

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Do NOT microwave plastic plates. End result is a melted asshole smell.
Love: Looks so much better dressed in Mr. Benjamins.
Politics: Anyone can make it big.
Rev. Al Sharpton and Ben Stiller--case closed.

--all done in good humor

RULE NUMBER 1

Tomorrow I am meeting with the Sumter Rotary Club to begin the preliminary process of a scholarship competition. Seeing as how I'm only going up against people in Sumter county, I believe that I have a "pretty" good shot of winning my research funding.

I never really write anything worth reading in here, so I figured that tonight I would post on something a bit different and something that affects my day-to-day. Autism.

As a therapist for children with autism, I am everyday reminded of the struggles that both parent, child, and friend endure when faced with such a life-altering disorder.
Over the past ten years, autism rates have spiked to a record 1 per 150 persons, and though the scope/range of autism has increased, the number is still very disturbing. Autism has no cure so it is imperative that those who can get therapy recieve it at the earliest age possible; early intervention has shown the most promising results for mainstreaming.

However, most countries do not have the means to provide autism patients with good therapy. Many countries do not even have the means to diagnose those who may have developmental disorders!!

As a Rotary Scholar, my year of study would be to learn the logistics of a third-world country in the hopes that later, as a graduate student, the ratio of children with developmental behavior disorders in that same third-world country could be researched.

In any case, tomorrow is a big day for this future endeavor...hopefully all goes well (:
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Doughnuts are really not that hard to make.
Love: Does not grow on trees.
Politics: RULE NUMBER 1
If Hillary Clinton asks for change, you give her dollars.
If Obama asks for change, you make up poor black-man jokes.
If Ron Paul asks for change, you say "no habla englais".

That's fierce...

While sitting in psychology 101 today, I was attentively disregarding my professor and trying my hand at the Gamecock Crossword Puzzle...

The editor of the crossword puzzle gets my applause; his code word "quip" and the "second/third" parts of it have stumped me all year long. If someone could let me in on the secrets of "quipping" please email me...will pay for answer.

Yesterday was the finale of Project Runway; coincidentally USC decided that the girls on campus were better looking than Heidi Klum (haha) and came up with its own version of the show---Project Condom. Our university has outdone itself again... attracting students to abstinence by handing out free contraceptives and soda...

That's fierce.

But the event, actually--from what I heard, went well and was a revolutionary way to show people that there are more ways to use condoms than one.

You can have Saturday-condom-craft night; you can make condom-book-marks in Sunday School for your bibles; you can even make blow-up-condom giraffes for the kids on the playground!!

And with all the different sizes, colors...amounts of lubricant...the possibilities are endless!!

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Those with dandruff should always wear white shirts.
Love: Whoever draws the hearts for Hallmark is obviously a Catholic. Not only does the Hallmark heart not have ventricles, but the ball sack <3 is drawn upside down. Only a nun could have gotten it wrong!
Politics: Obama's grandmother is very upset that people are suggesting he is a Muslim. "My people may have had to sit at the back of the bus, but it was them Muslims that were driving us around."

--all done in good humor

$20 Richer poor Girl

So I found out today that I have 18 first cousins that I didn't know existed.

Southern stereotype or what?

I would like to steer away from crude remarks today inorder to introduce myself to you--seeing as how, statistically, we're probably related.


Born: K. Blkdsjfdsos (Its a very hard name to spell--this is the abbr.)
Reside: Riverside Estates
Birth: Bastard
Birth Location: Hospital
Nationality: Dixie, United States
Parents: Mom and step-dad
Real Dad: MIA
Siblings: Yep.
# of blood-first Cousins: 25
# of step-first cousins: 4
Total cousins: 29

How did I find out about my additional 18 kin?

Apparently, my grandmother on my biological father's side has "alzheimers" and sent my biological sister's birthday card to my residence.
Got all that?
Apart from writing "K. Blkdsjfdsos" on the birthday check, she wrote my "bastard" name on the birthday card; added a personal message to the card about how proud she is of me; addressed the envelope to "Riverside Estates--Dixie, United States"; and then got "Cousin #9" to lick the stamp...
How did she not realize what she was doing was WRONG!?
She just caught the alzheimers--I dun herd--has it already spread to her memories of illegitimate grandkids?
I mean...we've seen each other like...14 times!!
How could she forget this shit!?!

Now my biological sister will probably have a melt down about how our grandmother, on our biological dad's side, doesn't care about her and forgot to send her a birthday present.
I'll probably end up having to give some "grandmom never sends anything good anyway" speech --while the birthday check meant for her is now residing in my bank account.
Ugh, c'est la vie.

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Inbreeding doesn't necessarily equal lots of cousins, just lots of shitty presents.
Love: Daddy wasn't there, to change my underwear, to take me to the fair...daddy wasn't there.
Politics: Voters in a Vermont town added a second ballet to last nights primary poll....the city voted for or against the arrest of George Bush and Dick Chaney upon entering the town, on the grounds of constitutional delequencies. The yeah's had it--and in some parallel universe, popular opinion might have mattered.


--all done in good humor

6" Clitoris = 3 Billion More Years

How obscene.

I don't know why, but the look of a pregnant woman is one of the most repulsive things to me. Maybe its my subconscious hatred towards beach balls? I don't know...but for some reason an oncoming "pregger" is a justification for my chronic bulemia.

Along with most everything, I have my suspicions as to why women become pregnant. My theory:

Men are EVIL.

Our amoeba ancestors began pressurizing other amoeba ancestors into corners and started making them reproduce on command.
3 BILLION years of pressure later, women have been brainwashed into having a uterus while men, oh so care-free, can pee into straws.

If the nice amoebas would have stood up to the EVIL amoebas then perhaps women would now have a 6" long clitoris and spermettes, while men have PMS and a sack of ovaries.

And you say that God is just.

Anyway, so apart from being bullied into evolutionary motherdom, I see no other reason that would validate a woman's choice for a baby bump. I do see, three points, however, that should keep women off the diaper aisle and in supply of dildos...

Point 1: Stretch Marks
Women since the invention of the bikini have been told, DO NOT eat M&Ms b/c they make you fat......
As we all know
M&Ms = cellulite = stretchmarks.
And so if
pregnant = stretchmarks
then
M&Ms = stretchmarks = pregnant
THEREFORE
M&Ms = pregnant.

Summary: Pregnant women will look like M&M women.... BAD BAD BAD

Point 2: Morning Sickness
The morning was meant to be a time for tomato juice and eggs. When pregnant, everyone KNOWS that your breakfast ends up on your shoes while you're running to the bathroom.
To prove this:
Tomato Juice + Eggs + Pregnant = Upchuck.
Upchuck + shoes = smelly shoes
Everyone KNOWS that
smelly shoes = smelly feet.
THEREFORE
pregnant = smelly feet.

Summary: Pregnant women will smell like dirty feet......BAD BAD BAD

Point 3: Maternity Pants
Since the induction of women into the work force, we have been manipulated into wearing the jean of our forefathers. The jean was designed for easy penis access...when women began wearing jeans there was no removal of the frontal zipper, just the addition of a stretch maternity waistband!!
Women have always been prone to hate things that stretch:
thighs, boobs, slinkys...but because of our evolutionary brainwashing we thought nothing of the sexist maternity pant.

Summary: Pregnant women are being ostracized by the men they bear.........Shame SHAme SHAME!!


With these three points in mind I hope that women will be able to break the mold that males have been pushing us into.
Stretch marks, smelly feet, and latex lining are all that can be looked forward to, girls, if we continue down this road. (Those that have already been victimized are asked to , "not let it happen again.")
Let us unite in our efforts for male genital mutilation; if not for pride then for the continued evolution of a 6" clitoris.

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:

Life: How did we ever get out that little hole; its hard enough for tampons to get in?
Love: Lesbians and Gays are the only true lovers. They were the amoebas that stood on the sidelines having orgasms instead of offspring.
Politics: Is it politically correct to say Hill's a hermaphrodite...or is it slander? I get the two mixed up.


--all done in good humor

24 > 13

L: lie
O: optimism
V: venereal disease
E: extra credit

My grandad lent me a book by Glenn Beck titled, "Real Solutions to the World's Biggest Problems: An Inconvenient Book". Beck narrowmindedly conceives approaches to handling hot-
national-topics while giving the book the name "World's Biggest Problems..."

I wasn't aware, Glenn, that there was a Mexican Boarder Problem in Russia; and to think we've been hogging all the barbed-wire.





But then it hit me!





According to Beck, some of the World's Biggest Problems include:

Blind Dating
Remembering Names
Tips/Gratuities



I must say that had I not read this book, these problems wouldn't have even crossed my mind as internationally unavoidable inconveniences! But take a look again---they MUST.

With so many international food chains (aka Outback, Kyotos, Applebees) getting rid of their free appetizer bread (ESPECIALLY in Africa) it is no wonder that tip jars have been replaced by malnutrition.

In China you have like a BILLION people all living within 20 minutes of each other, and half of them have either the same name or one that rhymes with it. Of COURSE this is a memory tag for the name-recollection impared.

The growing number of --dumb people-- has led to the universal use of AIM as a blind-date facility. Cyber your what?

In any case, Beck has now become my new hero and will hopefully be coming up with a #2. If all the presidential candidates were like Glenn, then perhaps the world would be a little less confusing. What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Do NOT let people you don't know get you down.
Love: Do NOT let STD's escape your definition of love. More lovers than not have one.
Politics: I'm sorry that Glenn Beck didn't write a chapter on math; perhaps Obama's 24 primary wins would have made more sense to Hillary if she knew that that was bigger than 13.

--all done in good humor

Personal Social Security Balance = $185.00

Today is my sister's 18th birthday...woohoo?

Yesterday I was walking around TargAY with Elysia and Christina and realized, Toto, that I am not in childhood any longer. Its funny remembering things about high school--like how cool I thought I was--and now realizing the little twiglet walking around the local "Made in China Emporium" thinks the same about herself...haha WRONG.

Ah youth.

Literally though, there must have been a million high school girls out-and-about yesterday; and all the while, I felt like this sideshow freak that everyone was walking past because they didn't want to waste a ticket to stop and take a look. What an esteem SHATTERER.

My imaginary ex-friend, God, only knows how the 30+ walking around must have felt. Not that these people are old, quite the contrary, but they are less likely to put on heavy eyeliner, black eyeshadow, and multicolored press-on nails just to go to the store--and lets face it--highschoolers judge SOLELY on these criteria. Us in our late teens and 20s still opt for mascara and manicures, so we are less harshly criticized.

Press ons make the girl? What a shame.

Perhaps if highschool girls understood that:

WetSeal clothing only looks good at WetSeal
Fake diamonds look like fake diamonds
&
Their "Frada" purses aren't fooling anyone

--maybe these girls would start appreciating education and opaque bras.

Personally, my kids will be taking advantage of Martha Stewart's K-Mart line. Its affordable, beige, and brand name. Hopefully the line will soon be including clothing with the towels and handmade pinecone-turkeys.

In any case, I used to wish I was older--since college and friends turning 21 I've decided as long as everyone else gets me alcohol, I really don't need to age.
Ever since yesterday, I've never wished to be further from my teens, pleather, and braces...Yuck.
I guess the only thing that makes sense is death at 20...
Damn highschoolers.

What I learned (yesterday?) in life, love, and politics:
Life: "The last little paragraph, ex-friend God...I was knocking on wood."
Love: wtf, bff Rose...don't make me LOL!!
Politics: Barack Obama chose to commercialize his campaign between takes of this weeks American Idol; Hillary Clinton appeared briefly on Saturday Night Live; and Ron Paul flew a blimp over Columbia, SC. Obviously John McCain believes his facebook group says it all.

--all done in good humor

What is this world Cumming to?

Too much inspiration?

Yesterday I celebrated "V-day" at the Vagina Monologues. Usually I hate to say the words vagina, pussy, monkey-box, twatter-pole...but last night was a breakthrough!! Not only did I pay only $7 for women to "help" me through this phobia, but I also got a chocolate vagina for only $1, and have not been able to stop saying "vagina" (now some 13 hours later)!!

What more is bliss?

The Vagina Monologues were a collection of short stories and renditions of a womans study done about 10 years ago. The overall message, however, served the purpose of spreading awareness for women and girls' safety and sexual/physical well being. Though I've read in anthropology classes about woman-genital-mutilation, I never could quite bring that information 'home'. Strictly speaking, to have a woman's clitoris removed (a nerve line that stretches from the front of the abdomen all the way to the back) it would be equivalent to having a man's penis CHOPPED OFF...a battle women have been contemplating for years.

Anyway, the monologue used the repeating themes:

"What would your vagina say?"
&
"What would your vagina wear?"

Since the show I've been dying to do my own rendition of the monologue--but I have tried and found my vagina to be a little on the quiet/naked side. Eh, oh well.

So apart from that, my Friday was pretty boring...though I did go out to eat with my favorite roommate who doesn't mind that I'm only 5'2" and white... What I learned in life, love, and politics:

Life: Either never use a debit card at Krispy Kremes, or never use a debit card around people named "Paul"...one of them steals---we have yet to figure out which.
Love: Women are deep, dark, and mysterious lovers, while men are awkward, saggy, and ugly lovers.
Politics: Vibrators cannot be sold in Virginia; those who are caught in the act are fined up to $5000 and can be put in jail for 5 years. Virginian women are suffering from lack of orgasms, and we're still worried about Iraq?


--all done in good humor

Dear Potential Friend--n/smkr, f,s,will wear heels.

I wish I was more popular?

Again, I was sitting in Psych. 101 today, story of my life, and the girls several seats down were talking about parties that they were going to be attending Saturday.

This weekend on my list of things to do is:
1. Stare at the ceiling
2. Take my sister shopping
3. Buy more thongs--Armageddon sale
4. Eat with the family for sis's birthday

Though I have no problem celebrating my flesh and blood's 18th, I wish that there were more people that I could socialize with between family holidays.
I mean...
I facebook, I myspace, I blog, I check my email,
I have super cool waxing appointments...

Why am I not more popular?

To my knowledge, to be popular you need a collection of these things:
(particularly girls, but if this floats your dinghy boys then be my guest)

1. Tanning bed membership......................................check

2. Dyed hair ....................................................... check
3. Mascara ......................................................... check
4. Sorority Sisters ...................................................Nope
5. Sweat pants with "pink" on the butt...........................Nope
6. Fake Uggs .......................................................check
7. Monogrammed Purse ..........................................check

I have 5 of the 7 cardinal cool "collector's items"!!
Why do I spend my weekends in the comfort of Riverside Estates?!
(And no that is not a cemetery...but God does it sound like one)

Anyway, I have this theory as to why I have only 4 people to hang out with:
I'm too short. Simple as that.

Potential friends can't look up to me, so they look down; I can fit clothes that I had in 9th grade which reminds potential friends of the awful time they had in 9th grade; potential friends have been pre-programmed to hate and squash tiny things...I= cockroach; potential friends don't know whether to categorize me as a "little person" or just as an "impared" grower, they get annoyed wondering about it and opt to leave instead.

The only way, it seems, for me to ever become popular is to wear high-heels with my new Vicky-Secret warmups while talking on my pre-paid to some sorority girl I stalked on facebook.

Sounds presh'...

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: I have money; want to be friends?
Love: I have money; want to be friends?
Politics: I have money and I'd really like yours!


--all done in good humor

I <3 Cream Filled

Returning the favor...the end is near.

With such graphic and tragic happenings around the world this week, as reported by AOLnews, there is no mistaking that Bush must be the antichrist and Armageddon is upon us.

AOLnews has made it shockingly clear that Florida's lack of power is a "puzzle"--apparently the thunderstorms that plagued the Southeast yesterday are not the cause. da da dum...

They also are reporting that a rare earthquake hit Manchester, England; "I couldnt' get back to sleep because I was scared it was going to happen again," said Laura Bocock. "I was in bed at the time and suddenly there was quite a big bang and shaking that woke us up."

Electricity out, earthquakes, big bangs in the night, are these signs of the unfortunate second coming?

The bible says somewhere that in the last days fire will fall from the sky, the earth will tremble, Lindsay Lohan will pose nude, and that the water will be turned to blood....
It seems as if all is coming true, and way too fast for the Buddhists and I to pick a side!!
I don't want to go to hell, but it will be so nicely decorated once all the gays are there...

I wish that Bush's mom would have realized she was pregnant with the antichrist; we could have locked him up and hoped to GOD that he never would learn anything about politics. What a relief that would have been to Al Gore's 10 year plan back in 2000.

The last sign, as I'm calling it, is an AOLnews-post proving how wretched this world has become. The post is entitled, Museum shows Evolution of Underwear, and clearly depicts the downfall of humanity in regards to our "unmentionables".

Originally God had us run around nek'd but then he said...you eat my fruit you wear something to cover that soiled ass...God gave us our first pair of Hanes and we've been wearing them ever since...until the THONG that is.
God's holy-full-coverage-granny-bottom was replaced in the mid/late last century with floss and a girl scout patch. Sewn together, I <3 Cream Filled, became the slogan on the first G-string.

OBVIOUSLY, we have begun going back to our heathenous ways of running around skyclad. The AOLnews article states that, "Oh, I don't know what'll come next...Maybe a return to...nothing."

With the deletion of Hanes into thongs, we do not have the Fruit of the Loom to fall back on, Adam and Eve ate it...so all we can hope for is that God is willing to take our souls in return for his lost panties.

But with the unsettling news of the End Times via AOLnews surmounting, I don't think God is in any mood to negotiate freedom.

What I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Choose your underwear wisely for the next couple of days. It may just save your soul.
Love: Missionary style is listed in the Kama Sutra.
Politics: George "dubya" Bush was spotted in his horns and cape circling the White House last night. All presidential candidates, except Obama, shrugged it off and continued their Cagle-execises. Obama commented that he, "will not play the Devil's advocate," and decided to opt for a turban and photoshoot in Kenya instead.


--all done in good humor

Say "No" to the "Preacher"

Most people believe in such a head-over heels definition of love.

The white knight, ball gown, witch in disguise shabang; but I must say that love has begun to feel like an imaginary feeling.
Like the saying, "that'll shut her up";love is just a word that people use to keep others happy.
And then get some...
For example, my first boyfriend Tyler had this way of making himself a bit "overly" excited when we were making out and would...you know...in his pants.
Then he'd go into overload asking me, "Oh my God, do you think you're pregnant? Do you think you're pregnant?"
"Do I think I'm pregnant?"
Well yeah dipshit, I'm pregnant right now!!
We both have our pants on and you came in your tighty-whities.
Someone call 911.
But no... I took the good with the bad...I was in 11th grade and that was love babAY.
He broke up with me.
Then my next boyfriend, for another example, had this great accent, was nice, cute...blah and blah...but he had this issue with me talking to people my own age.
He was a senior & I still a junior.
Jealousy isn't the best policy, but I convinced myself that love must be behind the behavior.
Lucky me.
I broke up with him after two weeks.
Third-time's-a-charm-Adam came around my senior year.
He was my grade, my type, had been a long crush--stereotypic highschool sweethearts...
Until 1. Got caught having "semi-sex" by my parents
2. Found him never able to satisfy me, but always in need of a bj
3. Realized a year and a half in, that he would only ever love the Greenbay Packers

He dumped me ofcourse.

Then the last "guy-friend", the one I deny ever having because I can't stand the thought of him, was Preacher.
He was older, bigger, and much more in to me than I was him.
I tried to convince myself the whole time that we "saw" each other that I liked him, but found that his physical nature did nothing for me.
The guy had three nipples for God's sakes!
What was I suppose to do, be like, "Nice nipple. This must be love?"
No.
Just didn't work out; moral issues, you know.

And don't think that the love cherade escapes other categories. Take babies for example.
I don't know what people get high off of when they see a baby, but bring one in a room and everyone goes nuts.
Apparently the FDA is going to be starting some sort of research on the benefits of babies as an esteem booster; wrap that euphoria in a gel-capsule; and sell it under the name Prosac2.
Sign me up.
Babies, men, puppies in red bows...they're all the same.
Give them what they want, and they'll shut up.
Tell them that you love them, and they'll stare back at you and drool.
Tell them that its over, and you feel bad the next day.
Never see them again, and you wonder...what ever happened to _____.

So what I've learned in life, love, and politics:
Life: Don't trust the Jews.
Love: Don't date preachers.
Politics: If Hillary Clinton was my wife, I'd have cheated on her too.

--all done in good humor

Crop Crap Ya'll

Today I skipped my jogging class for greater things including, but not limited to:
sleeping
eating
watching tv
downing an IBProfin jar
having my uterus twisted into a replica of the statue of liberty
wallowing in self pity

So far, this morning has been very fulfilling.

Yesterday I read a friend's blog and was ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED by the slanderous remarks he made about Southerners. We'll call this guy Gary.
Gary narrowmindedly states that all southerners look like crap, spell like krap, and fight like blind Jackie Chans. WHAT A LOAD OF BULL!!

I happen to remember that Anna Nicole, Pamela Anderson, and Brittany Spears are all southern belles; our president Sir "ahibidahibidah" G.W. Bush is from Texas, and Walker Texas "Roundhouse" Ranger accompanied Lassie to overpower the Cuban government (Castro's in ill health my ass)...
I would like to ask, what the hell the northerners ever did for the south?

They took away free labor and trade-
They didn't tell us KATRINA was a HURRICANE-
Their slow driving and waiting at yellow lights is making gas prices SKYROCKET-

The only good thing about the North is that their lack of true Democratic nominees has caused Ralph Nader to come out of his cave...as we all know, the last time he ran for president a Republican Southern Man WON---This is definitely a good campaign booster for Steven Colbert 2008.

In any case, Gary continues by posting about 5 pictures that he so graciously cropped. One in particular is a picture of a KuKluxKlan march; what Gary cut out was the deaf and mute kids on the sidelines that the KKK were raising money for.




So what I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: Try to do something nice, and people crop all over you.
Love: When a category 5 HURRICANE is heading toward people...tell them about it!!
Politics: Cross your fingers, Southerners, that Ralph Nader doesn't die yet.


--all done in good humor

Prohibition Ammunition

I feel like I'm going to barf.

This can mean only 1 of 3 things...

1. I'm pregnant
2. I drank WAY too much last night
3. My dirty ho-bag roommate gave me the rhino-virus

Medically speaking, I don't think that you can become pregnant from sitting on toilet bowls--so I'm scratching that one off.

I haven't really seen "Gator" the past couple of days (off stripping I assume) so I am only going halfsies on that one--I just wanted to include her in this discussion so that I could call her a dirty ho-bag.

Last night I downed about 1/3 of a bottle of merlot & about 3/5 of a bottle of champange. I weigh about 108, am 5'2, don't know my actual hair color, have a tramp stamp of a Giant beating a Patriot, and have a maximum heart rate of 201...so of COURSE I must have a hangover!!


So last night started as just a way to loosen up from a week of utter 'boringness', but like I said, I'm a tiny person...I run away faster when you try to chase after me...I lick up drinks off the table when you spill them...I try to make it to the toilet bowl, but sometimes I just fail.

Sidenote: Please be aware that I have no idea what I'm talking about right now...I just compared myself to a dog, only it was kind of funny so I'm not going to delete it. Just realize that I drank my weight in booze last night accompanied by only 2 people. Not exactly a partAY. And now I'm just rambling trying to fill the void in your miserable life b/c that's what this blog is for. Your entertaining, mother fucker. END NOTE

What I can remember from last night was that I put on heels and started dancing to music from my own imagination. I ran outside and tried to race Elysia, who grabbed me and pulled me back to my stoop. I took my pants off, while on the stoop, and started singing Mulan--it was bound to happen--and then spent the rest of the night by the toilet bowl trying to figure out how pre-Subway-Jared's-turds could fit down the tiny hole at the bottom.

What I learned the morning after in life, love, and politics:
Life: Life is a bitch, so sometimes you gotta slap her around a little and show her who her daddy be.
Love: You all up in my goodies son, take your gun and run, run, run.
Politics: When your black-lesbian roommate starts drinking, cyber-sexing on your computer, and takes out her gun and starts laughing...only & ONLY then, do you begin to appreciate laws concerning "gun-control", "prohibition", and "indecent exposure".


--all done in good humor

Beer rhymes with fun...

So I'm sitting in psych class today and some kid on the "loser" side tries his hand at a "lecture-room-whammy" (the technical term for a joke used during a 100+ student lecture). Unfortunate for him the joke didn't work out well, and left me wondering:
"why even try?"
As "loser sides" go, anyone who falls into my definition of a loser--belongs on the other side of my world. Just a fact.

In any case, this guy was on the loser side--along with some girl down front that kept annoying the teacher with mentally challenged questions--"loser boy" makes the comment:

"you're trying to rhyme with one? Well one rhymes with fun, and beer is fun."
Ha ha ha hahahahahafuckyouhahahaha haha ha ha, fart.

Just shoot me.

Then the socially repressed girl down front responds with,
"Well moo rhymes with two, and cows moo."

Thank you Hindenburg disaster victim.

Let me back up by saying that my teacher was lecturing today about memory tags; one in particular being the mailbox method.
He radically suggests that if you want to remember something then visualize this thing/memory as a mailbox.

If you want to remember to buy tampons,
picture a mailbox made of Tampax Pearls.
If you want to remember to have sex, picture the mailbox naked.
If you can't remember to wipe your ass,
then you should probably seek out medical attention.

WAY WAY too *out there* for me. I just buy post-its.

So, as I was saying, this guy and girl both made comments worthy of CAT-scans and tranquilizers--and to understand this "loser side" behavior, I have come up with a theory:

Everyone on the "loser-side" has responded to the Sociology Research flyers posted around campus; for $25 dollars per hour the "losers" granted access of their brains to rogue sociologists who incorporated Chef-Boyardee into their cerebral makeup. The combination of pasta and plasma extracts have resulted in a race of bloodless mutants who have the mind-span of a ravioli and who religiously read, 'Pavement Analysis: The History of Concrete.'

Ah...another accomplished day in Psych 101. And what I've learned in life, love, and politics:
Life: You don't learn funny; you either know it or were born looking like it.
Love: I <3 the speech impared.
Politics: This years New York Fashion Week has collaborated with the USC Sociology department in research efforts. The newest trend will be gold sequin tights (available this summer). The resulting heat from the reflected sunlight will be used to melt the polar ice-caps so that the sociology department can study the effects of world paranoia (and so that George Bush can go surfing in Montana when the ocean starts expanding).


--all done in good humor

Polysulfatefibroglysterine

So apparently there is this new "miracle pad", as my roommate calls it. The product is called Kinoki, a post-it/band-aid that you put on your foot to draw out the toxins from your body.
Kinoki uses the ancient system of "lying" to lure unsuspecting "victims" into buying cheap "crap" in order to lose "cellulite" off their fat "ass".

AMAZING!!

For only 19.99+ $100 shipping and handling, Kinoki pads can be yours. You are guarenteed to feel better and healthier the first time you use it, or your money back. And if that doesn't just butter your biscuit, fatty, then you'll be glad to know that with your purchase comes a "LIFETIME SUPPLY" that is always on hand (just pay for the $100 shipping and handling). So just in case your first trial leaves you with a rash or more cellulite, you are guaranteed enough foot-pads to keep trying for the rest of your life!!


AMAZING!!

"Currently I am taking a jogging class with USC, and now after seeing this ad I've decided to quit college, move to Australia, and become a scuba diver." Actual Customer

AMAZING!!

"I used to eat soup all the time--and bread, lots of bread--but now after using this just once, I never have to eat again. The cellulite is gone and I use my leftover pads as giftpaper." Kotex customer.

OKAY!!

So, if you want to be like the three customers that use Kinoki, then call 1-800-398-7711...start losing weight today.

What I've learned today in Life, Love, and Politics:
Life: The only way to lose weight through your feet is by running; dumbasses.
Love: Why can't we learn to love cellulite? Its soft, warm, has cool ripples...it loves chinese food.
Politics: Fast food restaurants have collaborated this afternoon, after knowledge of Kinoki surfaced. Instead of lowering the amounts of trans-fat in their food, they will be adding salt and polysulfatefibroglysterine. In order to counter-act this decision, Kinoki foot pads will now be available next to the ketchup pump.
Ultra-Kinoki foot pads are available upon request for those buying combos with cheese.

--all done in good humor

PMR-post marital relation

Are there really people that say "titty-witties"??

I was watching "Sex and the City" tonight and began wondering about the anthropology of sex terms. Unlike race, religion, and the OJ Simpson trial, the evolution of the word va-jay-jay is a little bit harder to come by (no pun intended).
Last week, my roommates and I went to the Gourmet Shop for lunch, and we began an interesting conversation about the word "boom-boom"; a Virginian term for sex.

Down south we say *post marital relations*.

To make 2 points come together, though, there must be a reason that slang is perpetuating our dicks and ca-ca's into doing whatever the hell fucking is.
Don't think that I'm down playing sex...one up for you, 2 down for us single gals...but has the dispersal of derogatory sex terms played a part on the esteems of women? Can social stereotypes be made according to what sex terms you use?

I must be black because I say pussy,
I must be Asian because I say vagina,
Oh, and then white people don't talk about sex.

Though these aren't real examples, the point is still clear. Maybe this is what I'll write my dissertation on in a couple of years--It would probably be titled, "Cunt, wtf?" I'm sure the College of Arts and Sciences will be thrilled.

So even though we didn't actually learn about the evolution of va-jay-jay, I hope that we can still be facebook friends, if not my lesbian roommate will probably stalk you.

Anyway, one more thing, I need to find a boyfriend to practice my sex terms with; that way I can atleast start on my masters thesis.

Running add:
Female, white, does not respond to twat. Tramp stamp of a Giant beating a Patriot.
Don't know how tramp stamp got way back there.

Done, a fine ad.

So what I've learned today in life, love, and politics:
Life: If all tampon boxes said "insert into ka-ka", maybe there wouldn't be so many damn varieties.
Love: Love don't cost a thing, unless you get it off of eharmony.
Politics: Ebonics, the newest FDA approved male erection enhancer.
"I'ma' put my ding dong in your woo-hoo,
to make a little boom boom."



--all done in good humor

'Obvee'

So I'm sitting here, literally right here & now, listening to my roommates Phantzie and Gator (yes those are their real names) talking about god knows what...most nights of mine are spent in the comfort of my grand yellow and green apartment/"estate" contemplating my future as a world-renown astrophysicist turned Hollywood sitcom star, but tonight it seems the only thing on mind are the random comments being made by my "wonderful" living acquaintances.
"Woman please," She says.
"Think of all the stupid people there are, there are a lot of stupid people out there who think they're really smart."
--How do you get more philosophical than that---
"Unless you're like a doctor or lawyer, or realtor. hahahaha, she's going to be a realtor; I've got a big dream for her. They make pretty consistent money though. Everyone needs a house, even if you are selling a crack house.
This is why all asian families want there kids to be doctors or lawyers. This is why after they realized I sucked at science they said, 'You have to be a lawyer'. Lawyers are dirty. Actually when I was little I wanted to be a judge...weird huh?! You know what mainly I wanted to do was? Wear the robe and hit the gavel, because I remember watching the OJ Simpson trial and seeing the judge saying, "Sit down and shut up.' Apparently as a child I was attracted to power."
--Kill me please. I want to die before I listening to the rest of this--
"Here's your shit, we're going to take it away and liquidate you...Love you, bye. Oral fixation! Wait, I'm pretty sure the next one IS oral fixation."
--I got your oral fixation.--
"Pay attention (Gator)."
"I've been trying to drink water but it makes me feel like ass; I drank this whole bottle of gatorade."
"I'm going to fill this up for you, and you're going to drink it."
"That whole jar?"
"Yeah, the whole jar"
"No!"
"If you get better before tomorrow I'm going to kill you. And then we'll get school off."
"Ty Ty, so fly fly."
--Here enters my other roommate--
"In which the child represses all interest in sexuality."
"24 oz? Is this 24oz? Ball, that's the type of Mason Jar this is...Ball."
--Alright, I'm done with this shit--
What I've learned today in life, love, and politics...
Life: IQs drop with the opening of the mouth.
Love: Doesn't exist. Love is the word for people who apparently represses all interest in sexuality.
Politics: Asian + Sicilian = Big mouths with little eyes...not too good for seeing when other people want you to SHUT UP...j/k guys <3, j/k

--all done in good humor

"he put his baby in a box, for the sake of science, 'obvee'..."

big FISH

The only "true" Mexican restaurant in Columbia can be found at the WalMart plaza on Garner's Ferry Rd...just a tid-bit. There were no signs of lattice work, juke-boxes, or french fries--a big step up from the rest of the world.
Last night I slept over at a friend's house and was asked the inevitable christian-saturday-night question: "Do you want to go to church in the morning?"
Unfortunately for most of the people I know, they have yet to realize that I no longer have sentiments for choir robes, offering plates, communion wafers, or Jew jokes. I am an ANTHROPOLOGIST; studier of people, conveyor of ape-olution, and hummer of African songs, for goodness sake! Don't get me wrong, it doesn't kill me to go to church, but I find it paroquial and very egocentric.
I mean, the Bible is just a slap in the face to all other religions/cultures in the world saying, "Israel is better, God choose us first, he only gave you chop-sticks while we got forks." Come on, if there was a God, why would he ever choose the Jews to be his immaculate people?
What have the Jews ever done for the world? Italians gave us pizza, Hawaiians gave us grass skirts, black people showed us how to dance...but where is the Jew throughout history? The only thing that I can tie them to are long sideburns, torah scrolls, and WWII. If I was God I'd atleast pick a team-mate, not a bench player.
So anyway, back to me having to go to church today. I read all of Ecclesiastes (something more people should do and try to understand) and still managed to catch a few winks between gospel hymns portrayed on the 50ft. big-screen down front (oh, those showy baptists). So anyway, what I've learned to today in life, love, and politics:
Life: You swallow this big fish and expect it to keep you full, unfortunately the next day you end up hungry, sitting on a big load of crap...same thing with religion.
Love: It's better to have loved-and-dumped then to have loved-and-lost.
Politics: Obese Americans should not be allowed to vote twice, Hillary!! I don't care how radical you are!!

Just one of us...

Today I had the priviledge of riding to Concord Mills, NC with my best friend, and happened upon this wonderful book while at the local mall. The book is "The Atheist's Bible" and I must say that it was an incredible scim through--lots of good examples of sinners sinning against the "Holy Word of Our Lord Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Valentino and Dolce and Gabana". The authors have cleverly collected sayings from some of the world's most influential persons, living and benign, and combined them into a--gospel of sorts. Great stuff. I found one little blurp especially compelling: recorded as being said by Fredrick Douglass, "I prayed 20 years for freedom, and finally got a reply from my legs." That little statement got me thinking as to why religion ever got started. My personal theory is that religion was the first form of anti-depressant; our monkey cousins didn't want to sit around staring at bananas and thinking about their immediate death by alien attack...the only answer would be to pray to the aliens and ask them for mercy. Batabing bataboom, Judaism is born--the aliens never show up, and the banana is honored for its potassium. This is such a nice feeling that the Jews decide to walk upright, never eat pigs, and wash in olive oil.
I once heard that Sigmund Freud said, "There will only be peace on earth, when all religion is expelled." So yeah, those aren't the exact words, but you get the idea. The other night I went home and was talking with my dad about this quote, and was pretty shocked to hear that he believed it to be true (ME TOO DAD!! high five). How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Probably the same number of Christians it would take praying until world peace came about. Sincerity, honesty, love, and truth, aren't things that come with a god. They are things that we have made a god out of. Look at the world, and the mess that religious pompousness has left in its wake. The world would be better off with congregations of Red Cross volunteers--and let me say that with the help of morphine, there is no need for a higher power to decrease your pain. Anyway, so my day in the shadow of life, love, and politics:
Life: What if God is just one of us?
Love: There is no mold for love, it comes in all different UPS vans.
Politics: Only you can prevent forest fires.

--all done in good humor

Amazing Grace

Today I was driving to work in this obscure part of Shandon, and low and behold I see this epiphany staring at me through my windshield. It was...the infamous church-front sign life lesson. "No one is perfect but you must try." I mean--how could you not feel insignificant and in need of some downright faith after reading something like that!? It appears as if the church-go'ers have finally found a way to bring others to their congregations---what a relief; I was beginning to wonder if they'd ever find me! And this isn't the only sign that I've seen lately that its time to pack up my anthropology books and dust off the old torah, just last week I saw a sign that said, "Give God what's right, not whats left." Those tricky little bastards; how did they know that I was holding my wallet in my right hand? Anyway, back to this weeks sign. I was pretty perplexed with the statement that said, "no one is perfect..." Maybe it was just me and the Methodists, but in my church I learned that Jesus was perfect... Why do christians allow Baptists to write pagan ideas on their church signs?? Not only are they corrupting the whole earth, but they also are wasting water with their full body emersion baptisms!! I just don't understand; why aren't such wasteful, irresponsible people put into the same category as the Mexican boarder crossers and Roman Catholics?? I mean, if we expelled them they could all just go back to the Vatican, Mexico, and Utah--no one would be the wiser!! I feel like christian churches, especially Baptists, should be prosecuted for monopolizing the country's billboards; I mean, how many Islamic or Satanic signs have you seen littering the street corners lately? None; because the church-go'ers are all a part of this monopolizing conspiracy. Take all the billboard space, and they'll be none left for the Jew...that's their plan. Fortunate for me and the other sinners, every once in a while a "Adultry is Super Evil" church sign, will be recycled into a 100 ft tall "Adult Supercenter" BILLBOARD. But this is soon followed by the usual, "seven days without prayer makes one weak" diddy...AND how could you NOT want to turn off on exit 69 for that church!? So what I've learned today in life, love, and politics...
Life: Hold your wallet in the left hand when at all possible.
Love: The day after Valentines day has really great chocolate sales.
Politics: A Baptist walks into a bar....Ouch.

--all done in good humor

MRs (Mexican Restaurants)

So, although I currently have a blogspot, I decided to make another so that I may generate my feelings in a way other than secular 10-minute storyesques (kaygreenfield.blogspot.com)....you know...lots to say and such. Anyway, today was my first ever "real hockey game"; hold the applause. And while the night was elsewhere spent in the arms of significant others & at couple-friendly bars (valentines day = gross), I had free tickets to see the Columbia Inferno take on the Pensecola "Ice Pilots??"; if I knew anything about hockey, then perhaps I'd know if that was right & what the fuck an ice pilot was. The game went to my disadvantage as I had a bet running that the Inferno would lose; my bad Inferno, my bad. Though the little tussles on the rink were fun to see, the only thing that really kept my attention was my bag of sour patch kids gummies. Ofcourse I'd go to a game again, but I beg someone to please share their beer or cheap nachos with me, that way I stay on my feet long enough to make it home afterward. After the game I tried my hand at selling pink breast cancer shirts to a room of overweight men, and moved on to greater things...the local Mexican restaurant. Its funny that no matter where you go, what you do, or how drunk you may be, all Mexican restaurants look the same!! There is the lattice-work fence inside with some sort of string lighting attached that helps the workers practice their painting skills at night (apparently Lowes contracts all the fence-work and such---"you can paint it, Mexicans, and we can help"), the sombraros lining some portion of the wall (or floor, or ceiling, or toilet bowl--the servers never actually wear the hats...pitty), and then ofcourse the un-Mexican, un-culturally-related background music (the owners at Montereys are trying to broaden their food-appeal with the help of Counting Crows, Lynyrd Skynard, and Rico Suavey---just kidding.) In any case, I've learned much tonight concerning life, love, and politics.
Life: Bet for the Inferno, not against (atleast when they're playing a team who's state has only seen ice like 32 times ever.)
Love: Valentine's day Shmalentine's day
Politics: Introducing one's self at a Mexican restaurant as "Jose, professional fence painter and Sweet Home Alabama freak" is not the way to keep Mexican's from crossing the boarder.

--all done in good humor